Miami music patriarchs Gloria and Emilio Estefan are about to embark on one of their biggest projects to date.
The die-hard Latin-pop vets will be developing a new theatrical production that will tell the story and share the sounds from their wild ride from Cuba to the top shelf of Spanish-language pop in North America. "We are very excited to share this story, which is based on hope, determination and the belief that with hard work and passion, our dreams can become our reality," the Estefans said in a statement.
But who cares? We can think of at least ten other Miamians whose lives we would rather see performed on stage with music. For example:
If the story of Miami were translated into Biblical terms, Uncle Luke would be Adam, Eve, Abraham, Moses, King David, all of the prophets, John the Baptist, Jesus, Peter the Pope, and probably some seven-headed monster in Revelations, too. There is nothing that better embodies the truly shameless bombast of Dade County than being the defendant in a Supreme Court case about poppin' pussies, and then running for public office. Somebody bring Life and Freaky Times of Uncle Luke to the stage!
Yo, the world's premier pet detective lived on Washington Avenue, moshed to Cannibal Corpse at the Cameo, and hung the fuck out with Dan Marino. It's time that Jim Carrey's breakout role is finally integrated into South Florida's cultural canon. Ace Ventura was pure 305. And, no, we're not implying he's not laced with baby laxatives.
After successfully pissing off an internationally famous basketball star, the next logical step for intellectual property molesters Bleeding Palm and Borsht Film Festival, would be to adapt their brilliant Adventures of Chris Bosh in the Multiverse into a stage musical. We anticipate injuries, rewrites, and the bewildering involvement of U2 on the scale of Spider Man: Turn off the Dark.
Iggy Pop and Irish Nicky
Neither of these party animals were born in Miami. But both are honorary citizens and then some. Maybe we should deviate from the format a little. Instead of an autobiographical musical, can we make a buddy movie with titties, guns, titties made out of guns, guns made out of titties, etc? For the score, we'll get all the heavy cuts from the Easy Rider soundtrack, and replace all of flower power crap with Motörhead jams.
A musical about one of Miami media's signature mimbos would be like a remake of Man of La Mancha in which the protagonist is Sancho Panza. But he's no Sancho Panza, he's Sanchez Panda -- a fictional hybrid of the country's best worst Cuban American talking head, and Sancho Panda from the Hanna-Barbera cartoon, The Adventures of Don Coyote and Sancho Panda. We have included the bear motif because -- and we believe this is no coincidence -- Rick Sanchez does in fact greatly resemble a panda.
Honestly, we're dying for someone to make a Muscle Boy musical so we can learn all VH1 Behind the Music-style about how he (probably) dropped out of life with bong in hand following his famous flexing during the Marlins' triumphant 1997 World Series run.
Father Albert Cutié
The story of a media mogul big pimpin' Catholic priest whose secret romance is exposed by the paparazzi and results in him switching denominations and, uh, landing a book deal...maybe all that would be better suited for, like, an opera? Or maybe a porno? An Opera porno? Hey, is it too late to apply for a Mastermind Grant?
La Reina de las Café con Leche
The plot follows a trio of female protagonists as they are raised from the birth in the dark arts cult science of Cuban coffee.
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The life, times, and tragic death of Gianni Versace would be high drama on the order of the pussy poppin' priest story. But with a dash of South Beach.
Cultist would like to begin a national petition to recast the entirety of Broadway's leading men with Pepe Billete. We want to see that chico onstage during everything from The Music Man to Stomp.