| Culture |

Ten Reasons Why There Is a Piano on a Biscayne Bay Sandbar

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As reported late last night in the Miami Herald, a grand piano was found on a sandbar in the middle of Biscayne Bay. It sits about 200 yards offshore from North Miami and is visible by binoculars from the Quayside towers. Florida Wildlife officials say they have no plans to remove the piano as it poses no threat to nearby flora and fauna. Heck, once sunk, it'd make a good habitat for Biscayne Bay sea life hiding out from all the jet ski and go-fast boat traffic up above.

But how did the 650-pound instrument get stranded out at sea? And more importantly, why? We have some theories, and they involve Glee and too much booze.

1. People still miffed they couldn't get on "The Island" during Art Basel are doing a series of island-themed pranks.

2. A Calvin Klein perfume commercial ran out of money mid-shoot.

3. A senile Christo intended to put instruments on all Biscayne Bay islands, but his shows came on and he forgot.

4. The piano is a leftover prop from a Kanye West video filming. (I'm on a boat! With a piano!)

5. Dead birds, dead fish, dead cows...piano in the middle of the Biscayne Bay... the powers that be are trying new tricks to get your attention about the end of the world. It's still too subtle. We think they should try playing the theme from Jaws.

6. One of Miami's other orchestras is trying to steal attention away from that golden child known as the new Frank Gehry campus of the New World Symphony, which coincidentally opens tonight.

7. The Little Mermaid was not a work of fiction and the musically inclined lobsters and crabs dragged the piano out themselves. At least that's what our niece thinks -- granted she still believes in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and 401Ks.

8. Dr. Paul George is now giving historical tours of Biscayne Bay via cabaret shows. Thanks, Glee, for turning everything into a musical.

9. Impassioned regulars from Magnum piano bar woke up really hungover and have seaweed in their hair. "Why does my back hurt like I just lifted a piano?" "Why is my throat sore like I sang show tunes all night while gargling salt water?"

10. Has Banksy stepped away from paint and dropped this visual pun (piano bar, groan) in our watery backyard? If not Banksy, would the artist please email us at cultist@miaminewtimes.com? We'd like to include you in our list of 100 Creatives.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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