Doesn't it suck when you go audition for serious cable drama and your face ends up in somebody else's crotch? With six drinks, three Quaaludes, a paycheck, and some half-clever editing, it could happen to you!
OK, not really. Here's a tip to all the Brookes of the world: When some dude with a nom de porn like Cezar Capone asks you to star in a Showtime production called Beach Heat: Miami, you should RUN! And if not, expect to add "simulated sex" and "picking sand out of your ass" to your acting resume.
Read Gus Garcia-Roberts's "Surprise, You're in Porn" for the rest of this cautionary tale, then cross the cut for burlesque, books, and edible emissions with Dan Savage.
Screw Showtime. We like Churchill's better. Get your dose of softcore fun with this Thursday's Millionaire Tramps Vaudeville Debut starring:
Dancers Hellion, Daisy Harley, Betty Pickle, Lizzy Lighting, and Ginger Bardot [who] have re-created scenes from Eyes Wide Shut and giggly séances from slumber parties -- yes, while wearing only their panties. If vaudeville were cable, you'd stop channel-surfing here, right?
Now, maybe you're the bookish type who hates burlesque and you'd rather take a trip to Star Island. Beware, though:
If you decide to spend your summer vacation in Carl Hiassen's unbearably sunny, superpastel imaginary South Beach, please remember to protect yourself. You will need to wear sunglasses, a wide-brimmed hat, two condoms, and a bulletproof vest. Why? 'Cause Hiassen's latest beach book, Star Island, is a lurid literary trap populated by a pack of truly trashy human beings.
Or maybe you're the bookish type who hates burlesque and beach books ... In that case, Paul Reyes's Exiles in Eden: Life Among the Ruins of Florida's Great Recession is the bringdown for you.
The author and his father were responsible for entering abandoned homes and removing all signs of the former tenants. Reyes writes that their job was to erase "all traces of whoever lived there, dispensing with both their physical presence and the ugly aura of eviction."
But what's losing your home when you've got love? Defaulting on the mortgage is no big thing unless your marriage is a bloody, bitter deathmatch like the one in Michael Weller's 50 Words.
The play's two characters -- Jan and Adam, a struggling professional couple in Brooklyn -- say fantastically hurtful things to each other. "You're weak," says Jan (Erin Joy Schmidt) ... "I'm sorry, honey," says Adam (Gregg Weiner). "I guess to bag a man with the big balls you desire, you'd have to be a woman with at least some semblance of sexual allure."
Wow ... With that kind of soulmate, it's probably time to call a Vatican-licensed exorcist. Too expensive? Hire a hack. Still too expensive? Go to the movies and weep your way through new scary movie The Last Exorcism. Film critic Nick Pinkerton calls it:
A smart piece of exploitation, The Last Exorcism plays on very different audience prejudices toward these polar "types," one adjusted to and the other unreconciled with the modern world.
Finally, it's possible that demons aren't your problem. Maybe your girlfriend likes to watch you suck a creampie (AKA internal cum shot) out of her after sex? Well, that's why New Times keeps Mr. Dan Savage on retainer. And the expert concludes:
A cream pie isn't my preferred post-orgasm snack -- I much prefer a Creamsicle -- but if it turns your girlfriend on and gets her off, and if doing this for her doesn't leave you curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, then you're not crazy and neither is she. She's kinky, you're GGG, and you're both enjoying some kick-ass, boundary-pushing sex. Enjoy.
