Pepe Billete's Guide to Staying Alive in the Age of Cannibals

Last week, I urged all Miamians participating in Urban Beach Weekend to be careful not to make us look like a herd of comemierdas to the rest of the country. I was hoping I could write this week's article about how great Memorial Day weekend ended up this year, pero one guy had to mess it all up. Instead of news reports about how South Beach was calm and without incident, the entire country is now focused on what the media has deemed the "Miami Zombie."

I'm sure you are just as sick of hearing about this comepinga as I am. Yes, the story is bizarre, Yes, it warrants further investigation, and of course it is extremely tragic. But the speculation that has arisen as a result of the attack es lo que me tiene la pinga pela. Suddenly everybody is an expert about drugs, delirium, and cannibalism. So pal carajo, I'm adding my two cents to this whole discussion porque yo soy el que mas mea aqui. Here are some legitimate ways to avoid being a victim to zombies, cannibals, criminals, and other Miami assholes.

Get a concealed weapons license y comprate una fuca
A machete and a

guayabera is like chain mail and Excalibur to a Cuban, pero

unfortunately its not very fashionable to walk around Miami looking like

a turn of the century Mambi Soldier.

Still, the best part about being an American is having the right to

bear arms, and the best part about being a Floridian is having the right

to use that shit! Nothing says "me cago en tu madre" to a criminal

better than a bullet to the dick.

Does this sound overtly

violent to you? Good! We live in an overtly violent society -- a man ate

another man's face off last weekend, remember? -- so stop being a

pussy. Criminals look for easy targets. I call these people "pencos." If

you look like un penco, your life sucks, because: 1. Your life is in

danger every time you leave your house, and 2. It's unlikely that anyone

has ever touched your dick willingly. A concealed weapons license can

change all of that. They're cheap, easy to get, and allow you to reduce

your penco status down to virtually zero.  

Take a Gracie Jiu-Jitsu self-defense class

socio y yo were talking about how hard it would be to hold someone down

long enough to eat his face off. My friend said it's actually fairly

easy if you are "mounted" on them. I watch a lot of MMA, y soy tremendo

pingu, so I know what a mount is. (Google it if you don't.) I assumed it

would be next to impossible to escape that position with a stronger

attacker, pero my friend said, ni pinga. In fact, he said, it's fairly

easy to escape if you're fighting the average zombie or comemierda. It

should be noted that my friend no es cual quier comepinga, and is in

fact, a black belt in traditional Gracie Jiu Jitsu.

There are many

styles of fighting that are great, pero el Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is the only

one that is actually made for smaller people to fight gorillas. Royce

Gracie proved this to Americans in 1995 when he put Dan Severn, an

opponent who was almost twice his size, to sleep. You may be thinking,

"pero el UFC dice que you need to be a well rounded MMA fighter," pero

no seas tolete! El UFC is a sport with rules and weight classes -- two

things attackers on the street se limpian el culo with. Furthermore, if

you're a 150 pound man, the most damage you can hope to do with punches

and kicks against an attacker the size of someone like Kimbo Slice is no

more harmful than using too much teeth on a blowjob. If you are

interested in learning how to survive attacks from people bigger and

stronger than you, then my suggestion is go to a school that teaches

combat Gracie Jiu Jitsu and not some sport mierda. And yes there are a

bunch of schools in the 305 that teach exactly that. Here is one.

Urge politicians to legalize drugs PLP

don't know what the statistic of drug-related violent crime is in

America, pero I'm going to assume its really fucking high. People are

against the prospect of legalizing drugs because they think that it will

turn our country into a nation of whacked-out zombies. Last weekend's

fiasco, among a slew of other similar crimes clearly prove that prohibition isn't working to help deter this shit.


media is saying that the "Miami Zombie" attack is possibly due to the

attacker using a powerful new synthetic drug with the street name "bath

salts." Do a little Internet research and you'll find that this shit is

everywhere. Pipo, this is not rocket science. If you legalize regular

marijuana whose effects make you giggle and sleepy, you eliminate

the need for people to cut corners and smoke synthetic chem lab

experiments that make them go crazy and eat people's faces. Coño, can you

imagine how much money the government could make taxing legalized drugs

the way they do cigarettes and alcohol? Jails would be emptied, violence

would drop, and people can live their lives como le sale del culo; like

they do in Holland.

Aqui hay mas locos que el coño su madre.

That's just the way it is, pero you have the choice of of being un pingu

or un penco. You have no reason to be scared of a zombie or a cannibal

or el coño su madre if you are prepared to deal with the worst case

scenario. For me, its easy. I'm a puppet. I'll live forever as long as

someone sticks his fist up my ass. Pero for you, it's a little more

complicated. Don't depend on anyone for your safety. Ensure it on your

own y cagate en todo el mundo.

--Pepe Billete, concerned citizen and (in)famous Miami puppet

Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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