| Opinion |

Pepe Billete: Banning Same-Sex Marriage Is Tremenda Mariconada

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Last week, I was bombarded with emails regarding a Facebook post I made wishing the gay community luck and expressing my hope that the Supreme Court delivers a favorable decision on their behalf. The majority of the emails were from fans of my work, gay and straight, just saying "thanks," but there were two that really caught my attention.

One was from a girl named "Nathalie" who wrote me a 2,000-word religious diatribe about how "marriage is a sacred union under god" and argued that "there's no point in getting married if you can't have babies." De pinga.

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The other was from a guy with the email handle "PingaSuerta" that read, "Bro, I would have never thought you would be a supporter of that shit." At first I thought PingaSuerta was condemning me for publically showing my support for the gay community, but he concluded his email with "Dale," and that led me to believe he probably just didn't expect something like that to come from me and was actually giving me props. Bueno -- that's unless of course his name is actually focking "Dale," in which case el tipo es tremendo comepinga!

Nathalie's email prompted me to write this post, and PingaSuerta's email motivated me to actually take action and publicly do something way bigger and way more over-the-top than anything I have done to date (more about this later)


To Nathalie:

Mama, thank you for your email, but no seas tolete, mija. Saying that same-sex marriage is wrong because marriage is a "sacred union under god" might be a valid argument in Iran (a country with a national religion), but in the United States, where religion is constitutionally not supposed to dictate law, it's about as valid as the W2 of un marimbero. The issue of marriage at hand here is questioning whether a certain group of people should be legally allowed to do things like file joint tax returns, claim marital deductions on tax forms, and claim health insurance and social security survivor benefits. I'm not sure how the god you worship feels about "taxation without representation," but you should probably look up the definition of the term "civil rights" before you write ignorant hate mail to pingu puppets with handsome genetils.

Finally, by saying gay marriage is wrong because "there's no point in getting married if you can't make babies," you are saying that infertile couples and senior citizens shouldn't be allowed to marry either. As ignorant and ridiculous as your claim is in this context, it's the kind of excuse that would save me a lot of headaches if I used it every time some miserable married comepinga puts me in an awkward position with una jevita they've seen me with more than twice and asks, "So when are you two planning on making it official?" For example:

Comepinga: "Oye, Pepe. So when are you two going to finally tie the knot?"

Pingu: "When my dick is no longer made out of felt."

Comepinga: "What?"

Pingu: "Acere, because there's no point in getting married if you can't make babies."

To PingaSuerta:

Pipo, I'm not sure how familiar you are with my work, but one of the most important things I try to convey in anything I do is that I bleed 305. The gay community helped build the city that I love so much, so como cojones am I not going to support them in their struggle for equality?

Your ambiguous ass short focking email made me realize that some of my fans might have some misconceptions about me, porque me cago en cual quiera y no creo en nadie, pero oye, I may be un chusma, pero yo no soy singao.

I support anything and anyone who tries to do something positive and/or pingu for my city, and I take the issue of 305 pride very seriously. So to help prove this, I decided to once again show Miami that Tio Pepe really does care.

I linked up with two local recording artists who are involved with Miami's gay community -- Jane "Jei" Castro and Michael M -- and asked them to help me enter a Pepe Billete float in the 2013 Miami Gay Pride Parade. Given that the parade is in two weeks, I knew the process wasn't going to be easy, but thanks to Michael and Jei and two of Escoria Films' biggest supporters -- Jara & Associates and Coast 2 Coast Rim Shop in Hialeah -- we were able to make this paja mental a reality.

You know Tio Pepe no es un fula, so when I said float, I meant un focking float! So I got a 40-foot boat. The pride parade gives a coveted "Best Float" award to the entry encompassing the most creative approach to the spirit of the parade, and I'm probably ruining my chances of winning that shit by telling you my plans, pero a mi la pinga porque I'm not doing this for money, awards, or fame. I'm doing it to show support and respect for a segment of our community that has been instrumental in making this the best city in the world.

The theme of the float will be "Billete Says We're all on the Same Boat" (hence the boat), which will be written on a huge banner on the mast. Inside the boat will be different characters representing people in the 305 that one wouldn't normally think would be supportive of the gay community (like Hialeah cubanitos, older cubanasos in guayaberas waving Cuban flags, chongas, sapingos in Ed Hardy shirts, etc.) standing in unison with drag queens, lipstick lesbians, butch marimachas, and all other sorts of people representing the gay community. Hasta el carro that's pulling the float is tremendo espectaculo.

Everyone on the float and walking alongside of it will be dressed up as castaways stranded at sea in sort of a symbolic homage to the struggle immigrants and exiles in this city have faced at one point or another. Cubans, Haitians, Nicaraguans, and Colombians have arrived here en masse and faced stigmas of social acceptance similar to many that the gay community faces today. This is my way of saying, pa la pinga con todo el mundo, we ARE the 305!

I have a few sponsorship options I have made available to cover the costs of overhead, but neither I nor anyone helping me with this project seeks to profit one cent from it. Rather, the aim is to use my voice to show a very large and significant part of our community that they have mine and my fans' support in what has proven to be the last bastion of the civil rights movement.

Asi que ahi lo tienen. I hope all of Miami will join me and my friends in yet another event supporting the 305. I realize I'm probably going to lose a lot fans who don't agree with me, pero like i've always said, yo hago lo que me sale del culo, y al que no le guste, VPLP!!!



Follow Pepe on Twitter @PepeBillete and visit 305PLP.com.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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