Back in the day, one required genetic superiority to set a world record. Being the fastest man in the world granted you with an air of excellence literally unmatched by all other humans. Today, all you need is the ability to think of dumb shit you can do and put forth marginal effort.
Have you ever thought, "how many gloves can I fit in the glove compartment of a Toyota Prius?" Well, you should have, because that's as real of a record as "Fastest Time to Run Down and Up Escalator While Wearing an Indian Costume and Holding a Red Balloon." What.
There are thousands of similar records out there. We've taken the liberty of compiling 16 world records so you can break them and make the original record holders feel like abject failures now that they're number two at Most Sexual Innuendos in A Potato-Themed Rap Song. How embarrassing.
Easy Records (Anyone Can Do This Crap)
Fastest Time to Photocopy Face and Tape Copy to Face: 10 seconds
This will come in handy on the first day of never.
Most Questions Asked During a Single Drive-Thru Visit: 85
File this one under "scumbag move." Not only is the drive-through
attendant annoyed, but the fat asses waiting in line have to wait a few
extra minutes to eat their taco-stuffed taco.
Most Bench Presses With A Pillow in 30 Seconds: 83
Considering these people aren't even doing actual bench presses (a
distinct lack of a bench is a big indicator), it wouldn't be tough to
school these fools.
Most Times Kicking One's Own Butt in 20 Seconds: 80
Kicking your own ass is something Colombian soccer players are
world-renowned for. So if you're Colombian and you're a soccer player,
sorry to hear that, but you've got an easy shot at shattering this
Medium Records (Potential to Require Some Effort)
Largest Slide Whistle Orchestra: 6 whistles
Getting at least seven friends to play a slide whistle isn't much of a
challenge, but getting them to stop making cartoon sound effects long
enough to record yourselves playing the latest Justin Guarini hit (wait,
does he have any?) is.
Longest Egg Toss Caught in a Glass Jar: 246 ft
Obviously, the egg can break, but you've gotta catch the whole thing
in the jar. At far enough distances this starts becoming more and more
challenging. The more distance between you and the egg, the harder it is
to make it work, sort of like a long-distance relationship. Spoiler alert: They're cheating on you.
Longest Morse Code Conversation Using Vuvuzelas: 20 characters
Medium difficulty because A) you have to learn Morse code; B) you
have to avoid getting the shit kicked out of you for playing a vuvuzela
out in public.
Hard Records (Real Effort Required)
Most Coins on One Dime: 3,118 coins
We're pretty sure there will never be a situation where a crazy
billionaire goes around asking people to do random things like "stack
the most coins you can on a dime", but if one ever does, you'll be
prepared if you set out to beat this record. After you do it for him, he
just walks away. Oh, did you think he'd give you money? He's crazy,
he's not insane.
Fastest Time to Solve Two Rubik's Cubes While Playing Guitar Hero: 5 minutes 2 seconds Solving a Rubik's cube? Easy once you know the algorithm. Beating
Guitar Hero on expert? Easy with enough practice. Doing both at the same
time? That's pretty tough. Though why anyone would ever fucking think
to do that is another story. If that kid's report card has anything but
straight As, he's wasting valuable time.
Youngest University Student: 6 year old
At first glance this may seem like something more than just "hard",
but the kid was admitted to getting a pottery degree. This is barely a step
up from underwater basket weaving. Besides, there have been American pets that have received degrees from online universities, so while this is impressive it's not quite Colby, the cat with an MBA.
Longest Time Spent Inside a Paper Bag: 4 hours 59 minutes
Yes, it's stupid, and yes it sounds pretty simple, but you need to
remember that if this thing gains enough traction David Blaine will beat
your time by four or five days.
Extreme Records (Actual Skill Is Paramount)
Fastest Guitar Player: 600 BPM
File this one under "legit." Nothing shows off the rock chops harder
than Flight of the Bumblebees. This man shreds so hard his camera has
trouble keeping the frame rate up to to how fast his fingers are moving.
Read that again. His digital camera cannot process frames faster than
his fingers pluck and press strings. The fact that the recordholder
isn't female is beyond us. RIP his girlfriend.
Heaviest Dumbbell Curl With One Arm: 105 lbs
Not everyone can have the muscular strength to pull this sort of
thing off. The dude in the video is pretty ripped, but there are plenty
of bigger guys out there with masturbiceps strong enough to lift more
weight than that. This won't exactly give you the right to call yourself
the strongest man in the world, but having the strongest bicep is good
enough to help you knock out anyone who says otherwise.
Most People Jumped Over While Wearing Roller Skates: 10
A bit small scale, but people could get seriously injured and you
need a good amount of skill. You may have seen this record mentioned on
Fox News, it had the headline "Black Man Jumps 10 White Women."
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Fastest Talker: 603 wpm
Think of all the many, many doors that will open for you if you hold
this record! You can work reading the fine print at the end of car
commercials over the radio. And other things.