Matt Gajewski Wins Literary Death Match at Churchill's

It was the Literary Death Match versus the Heat/Mavericks game last night at Churchill's. Not entirely surprisingly, the LDM beat the shit out the NBA Finals, well, at least until the match ended, then it was back to Lebron and Co.

The death match brings sassy, thoughtful, and last night, some pussy-focused poetry to unusual settings. The format includes four poets, two rounds, and one winner. The writers nervously deliver their hard-worked material to a giggly drunk crowd and three pretty cool judges.

To keep it not boring and a little bit violent, poets who read past

seven minutes are shot with a Nerf dart gun by the host. The weapon was

used only once this match (Matt Gajewski was the victim). 


Todd Zuniga was in town to host the event, charming the crowd by

calling us all attractive and cute (we like that), and Orlando "sort of

the literary center of America" (Orlando jokes really are funny!).

Then the judges were introduced. There was Diana Abu-Jaber, author of Birds of Paradise, whose child apparently chews on her books. Cocaine Cowboy's Billy Corben, wearing a tight Heat tee, said he was representing the Heat fan and the hipster contingency (cause it's tight, get it?). Finally, comedienne extraordinaire Jessica Gross, who said something about comedy being tall, handsome, and farting a lot. Fart jokes are funny.

The "Fashion Poet" Annie Vazquez was the first to read, dedicating her poem to any flat-chested ladies out there. We were flattered! She told the audience of the Cuban curse: big on the bottom, little on top. A few of our favorite lines from her poem were:
1. "On the day I found out there was no despojo for my curse..."
2. "..with their fat little salchicha fingers pointed at me like guns"
3. "Giant mama legs like the trunk of a palm tree, an ass wider than Calle Ocho, a waist the size of a frijole, and your chest, as flat as a tostada." 

Performance artist James Sprang read about the Mexican cook at Johnny Rockets at Sunset Place. His Spanish accented pussy talk won the round. Billy Corben called him his angel of Sunset Place. 
1. "See that's why I like you, man, we pussy killers. Say it! I fucking love pussy." 
2. "Pero, that's why I call you chocolate face, porque, some of it looks tasty, you know."
3. "Even the women, butch like this, believe me, shoulder blades sharp as fuck..."
4.  "Because life is like getting pussy man, you come and you go and that's it, believe me!"
Here's video of the above performance:

In round two, software entrepreneur and fiction writer Brett Rosenblatt read. He's probably between 20 and 40 years old, or maybe just the guy in his poem is. He had quite a few memorable lines: 
1. "I am a republican, but I also like to kiss."
2. "I love Jesus, but I'd also fuck the Tooth Fairy." 
3. "The way I feel about vodka is the way fat people feel about ice cream." 

Though Rosenblatt made the crowd giggle, Pure Imagination's Matt Gajewski ended up the winner of this round and of the whole match. He and Sprang battled it out for the title of LDM champion with a game of basketball using pieces of paper ripped from the pages of Star Magazine. Arbitrary, but fair enough. It's hard to judge poetry when the poets are this good. Here are a few beauties from his award-winning poem. 
1. "The priest just shrugs his shoulders and returns to his mug of Pabst Blue Ribbon."
2. "Ladies-of-unusual-attractiveness drink free nights." 
3. "The Angel Gabriel, like a winged positive pregnancy test, told the Virgin Mary she was to bear the son of God." 

Thank you, LDM, for making poetry fun, funny, and a little violent. 

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Liz Tracy has written for publications such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, Refinery29, W, Glamour, and, of course, Miami New Times. She was New Times Broward-Palm Beach's music editor for three years. Now she plays one mean monster with her 2-year-old son and obsessively watches British mysteries.
Contact: Liz Tracy