It was theLiterary Death Match
versus the Heat/Mavericks game last night atChurchill's
. Not entirely surprisingly, the LDM beat the shit out the NBA Finals, well, at least until the match ended, then it was back to Lebron and Co.
The death match brings sassy, thoughtful, and last night, some pussy-focused poetry to unusual settings. The format includes four poets, two rounds, and one winner. The writers nervously deliver their hard-worked material to a giggly drunk crowd and three pretty cool judges.
To keep it not boring and a little bit violent, poets who read past
seven minutes are shot with a Nerf dart gun by the host. The weapon was
used only once this match (Matt Gajewski was the victim).
Todd Zuniga was in town to host the event, charming the crowd by
calling us all attractive and cute (we like that), and Orlando "sort of
the literary center of America" (Orlando jokes really are funny!).
Then the judges were introduced. There was Diana Abu-Jaber, author ofBirds of Paradise
, whose child apparently chews on her books.Cocaine Cowboy
's Billy Corben, wearing a tight Heat tee, said he was representing the Heat fan and the hipster contingency (cause it's tight, get it?). Finally, comedienne extraordinaire Jessica Gross, who said something about comedy being tall, handsome, and farting a lot. Fart jokes are funny.
1. "On the day I found out there was no despojo for my curse..."2. "..with their fat little salchicha fingers pointed at me like guns"3. "Giant mama legs like the trunk of a palm tree, an ass wider than Calle Ocho, a waist the size of a frijole, and your chest, as flat as a tostada."
1. "See that's why I like you, man, we pussy killers. Say it! I fucking love pussy."2. "Pero, that's why I call you chocolate face, porque, some of it looks tasty, you know."3. "Even the women, butch like this, believe me, shoulder blades sharp as fuck..."4. "Because life is like getting pussy man, you come and you go and that's it, believe me!"
In round two, software entrepreneur and fiction writer Brett Rosenblatt read. He's probably between 20 and 40 years old, or maybe just the guy in his poem is. He had quite a few memorable lines:
1. "I am a republican, but I also like to kiss."2. "I love Jesus, but I'd also fuck the Tooth Fairy."3. "The way I feel about vodka is the way fat people feel about ice cream."
1. "The priest just shrugs his shoulders and returns to his mug of Pabst Blue Ribbon."2. "Ladies-of-unusual-attractiveness drink free nights."3. "The Angel Gabriel, like a winged positive pregnancy test, told the Virgin Mary she was to bear the son of God."
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