Hello, web denizens! So I'm a stand-up comedian, I will be commenting on internet videos, and my name is Daniel. But that's where the Tosh.0 comparisons end. For one, I have a full head of hair.
Now, I hope you enjoy this mild web rompus. And if you don't, I hope you at least waste all your precious time not enjoying something, because you're probably just delaying whatever lame, boring tasks your sad life demands anyway. Everyone else is partying in Digiland.
Check out the cut for a few videos of recent internet "fame," and fame is in quotes because it's the internet.
Bieber Escapes: This is a younger generation's answer to A Hard Day's Night. Instead of the Beatles running from fans, it's a Justin Beiber segway FAIL. How fitting. Curious how fast a self-balancing electric vehicle goes? About half as fast as a girl becoming a woman. I can see Mr. Polanski sitting at home yelling: "Why? Why are you running?!"
NSFMGC (Not Safe for Mel Gibson's Career): This is the age we live in, gang. I already record and archive all phone calls in case whomever I'm speaking to is already or will be famous, and calls me a Vegas whore with stupid fake tits. The obvious crescendo of this video is 1:08, where Mel warns his ex that if she continues to dress in tight clothing, she will be accosted by a rovin', rapin' "PACK" of Negros! Mel, you hopeless romantic, save the vows for your ten-year anniversary.
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Addicted to Rainbows: This has made its way around the net, but just listen to this guy hoot and holla! Most people wouldn't look twice at a double rainbow unless it signed with the Miami Heat. And no, it's not a triple rainbow. You're just being rainbow greedy.
I've seen this before, man. This is how it starts. Next it's Skittles and American Apparel tees. You'll suffer through Leno just to stare at the NBC logo. At rock bottom, you find yourself trolling the gayest parts of South Beach and you're not even bi-curious. You're just chasing Roy G. Biv.
-- Daniel Reskin