Just Say No to Vampires and Other Pop Culture Advice for 2011

Chilean coal miners and a BP oil spill? Who cares when 2010 also gave us BombShell McGee, a Palin dancing (if you want to call it that), a Kardashian giving birth, the Crying Rainbow dude, a three-dimensional Yogi Bear, a sandal/boot hybrid, Willow Smith's hair whipping, and the dawning of a brand new American art form: Vajazzling.

Not only was 2010 the preordained year that Lisa Simpson got married, it was also a really fun year in pop culture. But here at Cultist, we have a few tips for a few, tired pop culture trends in need of a makeover in 2011. It's time to put vampires away in the closet next to your z cavariccis.

1. Enough with the Vampires and Zombies. How About Minotaurs?

Instead of urging popular culture to embrace more realistic literary and cinematic genres that may, I dunno, give us a more broadened perspective on our own lives, we say kick the fantasy trend up a notch! Vampires, wizards, werewolves, and zombies are just fine and dandy, but what about the lesser known mythological creatures?

We'd love popular culture to embrace the Minotaur, the Monogolian Death Worm, the Left-Sock-Eating Dryer Monster (we KNOW you exist!), the Wuzzles (hey, regurgitating 1980s cartoons into summer blockbusters seems to be another popular trend, so why not?), the Weed Fairy (Judd Apatow, we're looking at you), and since we're already into blood suckers, how about the Chupacabra? Or, at the very least, could someone please explain to us what exactly a Nicki Minaj is? Our best guess is that it's a mix between a chipmunk, a Ke$ha, and a unicorn. But again, we're not exactly sure.

2. Screw New Jersey and Beverly Hills. Put Real Housewives Someplace Interesting...Like West Virginia.

Good-bye Housewives of New Jersey! It's time for the Real Homewreckers of West 3D (!!!) That sounds waaay more entertaining to us. Especially if we kick off the trend with a promo that's a parody on a recent viral video. Remember the one that came out just last month that featured a bunch of B-List celebs like Riki Lake, Huey Lewis, and Jason Alexander singing "Let it Be"? Take the same theme, but instead of Tonya Harding singing a bar from an old Beatles song, have Rachel Uchitel, Bombshell McGee, and Rielle Hunter sing  Shania Twain's "You're Still the One", Captain & Tennille's "Love Will Keep Us Together", or hey, even 98 Degrees' "I Do." Whatever song they chose, we smell (literally, ladies, close your legs) a hit.

3. Need to Breath? There's an App for That.

This year, here's hoping Apple doesn't come out with a totally awesome product that makes that totally awesome product you just bought three weeks ago totally obsolete. And speaking of Apple, really, when are they going to come out with "Thinking" and "Breathing" Apps? Because, seriously, doing those two things on our own is starting to become really harder and stuff.

4. Kohls Starts Selling Affordable Meat Dresses.

Since Lady Gaga made such a splash a few years back with lady-diaper onesies, here's hoping she starts her own clothing line with Kohls. We can see it now: affordable, stylish meat dresses for all! Bug spray, dog taser, and the cure for Mad Cow Disease and Salmonella sold separately, but if you shop during Power Hours, you can get them all at 30% off!

5. 2011, The Year the Messiah Goes Viral.

According to the Mayan Calendar the end of the world is in 2012, so wouldn't it be great if we had a whole rash of messiah YouTube videos? I mean, who wants to read a dusty old Bible, Torah, or Koran when someone can just slap on a beard (because you know all messiahs have beards), pop up on your screen, and tell you that if you follow them, your soul will be spared during the apocalypse. (Here's hoping it's of the zombie variety!) Extra points for any messiah who includes kittens, lip-synched choreographed dance routines, or Antoine Dodson in their viral pleas to save humanity's souls.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel