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J-Lo's Fashion Show, A Bust

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Click here to see a slide show of the fashion show.

J-Lo's fashion show was supposed to start at the Setai at 8 p.m. It was the first big event of Funkshion Fashion Week, which is in its 10th year.

At 8:05, I scanned the swanky hotel's outdoor courtyard, which was getting its fair share of the ocean breeze. No models, but I did spot three guys in sunglasses, several shivering women in tiny dresses and countless men in white shirts unbuttoned to mid-chest. Everybody tossed back cocktails to warm up. "Who knew it was going to be, like, minus three degrees?" squealed a reporter from

a TV show called "Barrio 305."


At 8:35, my feet started to hurt from standing amidst the pack of waiting photographers. I accidentally bumped into one while shifting my weight from one foot to another. "Sorry," I said. He turned to me and purred, "You can touch me anytime."

8:43. Still no models. A guy with a video camera walked by and yelled, "20 minutes!" The DJ played a Biggie Smalls song. I wondered if J-Lo ever misses Sean "Puffy" Combs. I wondered if she called him "Sean" while they were dating.

8:50. Miami Beach City Commissioner Deedee Whitehorn walks out on the catwalk, which was really four platforms in the middle of a Zen-like pond in the middle of the courtyard. Deedee read a proclamation, declaring this week "Funkshion Fashion Week" in Miami Beach. People clap as silently as possible.

8:53. Models! There were eight of them, all wearing sophisticated shades of grey, black and mustard yellow. I especially liked a short black dress with zippers up the front and a cute bow in back. Lots of mustard yellow tights and blue eyeshadow. Cool-looking, shiny black leggings under a flouncy yellow dress. Was that a mutton leg sleeve I saw on a blouse? Yes, it was. Thigh high leg warmers? Interesting. The 80s are back. Thank you, J-Lo! (Your newborn twins are cute, by the way).

The models walked off the makeshift runway. Then they returned to sit on sofas positioned on the platforms in the middle of the pond. The models drank champagne and laughed while a couple of hundred people in the audience watched. It was a bit puzzling -- no one knew whether to applaud, or wait. Were more models coming out? More clothes? Apparently not. Which was too bad -- I wanted to see more of J-Lo's line, which she calls "Sweetface."

By 9:08, the models walked off, tossing their long, straight hair. "That was awful," one photographer said to another. "Awful isn't the word for it," the other shooter said. -- Tamara Lush

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