4
| Culture |

Is Rick Scott The Real-Life Slender Man?

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

We expected the Republican primary to be a horror show. But we didn't know it would come to this.

If you're an Internet dweeb (like, uh, this friend we have, yeah, that's how we know about this stuff), you've already heard the legend of Slender Man. He's an evil shape-shifter that first appeared on the web in 2009, haunting several photos of children posted on a SomethingAwful.com forum. He appears as a tall, thin, bald man in a suit, striking disturbing, unnatural poses every time he's captured on film. The stories say he's responsible for vanishing children, deadly fires, and worse. The YouTube series Marble Hornets documents the havoc he wreaks on his victims.

We thought it was just a scary story. Then we saw footage of Rick Scott at a Republican fundraiser, and we thought again.

The facts are these:

Appearance

Slender Man is a tall, bald, abnormally skinny guy who always wears a suit.

Rick Scott is a tall, bald, abnormally skinny guy who always wears a suit.

The Creep Factor

Slender Man's got it.

Rick Scott's got it.

Location

We don't know where the Marble Hornets footage was shot. There's nothing to say it's in Florida, but then again, there's nothing to say it's not either. Basically, Slender Man could be anywhere at any time, including right behind you right now.

Rick Scott owns a home in Naples, but works in Tallahassee. Basically, Rick Scott could be anywhere at any time, including right behind you right now.

Mind Control

Slender Man controls the minds of his victims, who often black out, waking up to discover they've carried out unknown actions in their sleep.

Rick Scott was elected to be the governor of Florida. Cause is unknown.

Video Effects

When Slender Man is filmed, his supernatural presence alters the video to produce unnatural effects and sounds.

When Rick Scott was filmed by New Times, this is what happened:

Be afraid, Florida. Be very afraid.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.