I've been cheated on, to my naïve heart's knowledge, precisely one time. I was 19 years old and dating a man who was basically a drinking game of red flags: He was my boss at a bar, had a known cocaine problem, and his ex-girlfriend worked part-time as my coworker. One morning around dawn during my sophomore year, he showed up at my off-campus apartment with bloodshot eyes and the droopy gait of a guilty man. He was coming off a bender, he said, where he'd somehow slipped and fallen into his ex's vagina.
The gut-wrenching level of betrayal was unlike anything I'd experienced before or have experienced since. Obviously, I broke up with him immediately, then took him back two weeks later, only to break up with him for good when he intentionally crashed my car and left it in a ditch. (We are all entitled to our one toxic boyfriend at 19.)
I'm not suggesting that I've been an angel by comparison. My exes would no doubt be able to provide pie charts and lists about how I've fallen short as a partner, but cheating is one vice that I've carefully avoided. I am, however, notorious for the inappropriately fast rebound.
The numbers startled me. Why are so many people out there cheating on their partners? Is it boredom? Horniness? Avoidance? Statistics are helpful in understanding the sheer widespread nature of our treacherous hearts, but the motive is another thing entirely.
I wanted to understand it better, so I put an open call out to readers to learn about their cheating experiences and also explore the set of circumstances that brought them there. The response was about as emphatic as the stats would suggest — lots of people were willing to share their tales, but the whys really surprised me. Spoiler: None of them were 19-year-old cokeheads. Most of them were compassionate, thoughtful, full-grown adults, just like you and me. Here are some of their stories. (Names have been changed.)
The 30-Something Male in His Cheating Era
Alan had never cheated on a partner; it wasn't in his DNA, but there was something about one relationship with a live-in girlfriend of four years that caused him to be "flagrantly unfaithful." The affairs began early and often, but Alan is dismayed to admit that he only felt "gut-wrenchingly bad" on the one occasion he was caught, and that was because of her emotional pain rather than guilt on his part.Why did he do it? Alan describes his then-girlfriend as beautiful and successful but also an emotional vampire. He loved her, and the sex was great, but he felt like he was "constantly comforting her and holding her up emotionally." He says, "I could never be weak or vulnerable with her. I could never say to her, 'You're hurting me.'"
Maybe the cheating was an outlet for his frustrations, or perhaps it was a subconscious way for him to connect with another woman. Either way, the lack of emotional intimacy with his girlfriend ate away at Alan until he eventually ended the relationship. It's been several years, and he's had many monogamous relationships since then and has never again cheated.
The 40-Something Wife Who'd Had Enough
While in her late 30s, Mina married a man from the same conservative ethnic background, and though she considers herself a modern woman, she prides herself on becoming the perfect wife and daughter-in-law. "When you make the decision to get married," she says, "it's with this sense of pureness and hopefulness." There was just one missing piece — her husband wasn't rising to the occasion.Sex had never been an issue for Mina in previous relationships and she wanted to find that fulfilment wither her husband. They began seeing a sex therapist together, and Mina thought they were on the right track. That is, until one night when her husband was suspiciously glued to his phone while she served his parents a holiday dinner.
Something about his demeanor didn't sit right with Mina, so that night, she checked his phone while he was sleeping. The messages weren't hard to find. Her husband was engaged in a full-blown sexting affair with his ex. When Mina confronted him, shaking him awake, he tearfully admitted to the betrayal, while also confessing that he masturbated to the messages instead of having sex with his wife.
Ever the devoted partner, Mina took him back and agreed to more therapy. Their relationship improved, and they began having sex. Shortly after, Mina became pregnant. At around 20 weeks along, though, that nagging suspicion came back. She checked his phone again, this time uncovering sexts with a pornographic texting hotline.
Mina was livid, heartbroken, and on the verge of a breakdown. Still, she stayed with her husband, gave birth to their child, and did her best to compartmentalize the complicated feelings she had about their marriage.
Once their child was old enough to walk, it was Mina's turn to pursue extramarital desires, but she wasn't interested in sexting. An ex came back into her life, and the two began a physical affair that may or may not still be in rotation. Whether she got there out of revenge, frustration, or lust, Mina is sure of one thing — she does not feel guilty.
The 20-Something Who Might Be My Hero
Madison was celebrating a milestone weekend with her boyfriend, with whom she'd discussed marriage, when her phone died the night before their first anniversary. They'd been out drinking with friends, and Madison tried to use her boyfriend's phone to search for a place to eat dinner. "He freaked out when I opened Safari," she says.An alarm bell sounded in her head, but she tried to shove it down. That night, they slept over at his place. The next morning, she woke up before him and stared at his phone. "I'm having this internal debate, like, am I going to actually do this?"
She took the bait. Madison says her womanly intuition knew exactly where to look, and within three clicks on his phone, her heart stopped. Her boyfriend didn't have the Instagram app, but when she opened its webpage through Safari, he was already logged in. There, she found dozens of women he was sexting in his DMs, but the worst part, she says, wasn't even all the girls he was talking to; it was all the girls who'd rejected him. "It's one thing to have your partner cheat. It's another thing to see your partner so willing. Like, the will is there, but he's getting turned down."
At that point, Madison says, "A dark thought goes through my head." Madison posted a photo of her and her boyfriend to his account with the caption coming from him saying, "Happy Anniversary baby! It's been the best year of my life!"
Then she waited for him to wake up, broke up with him, and left. She calls the moment her "villain origin story," but after having so many conversations with people who are hurting and broken in their marriages, I say, way too fucking mic drop, Madison. You dodged a bullet.
We all know that cheating sucks. No one would call it morally defensible, but it might also be reductive to brand all cheaters as evil. Are there other paths that couples should explore before getting to that point? Probably. Is most infidelity really a cry for relationship triage? Maybe. The stories above are not meant to be cautionary tales, and I'm not suggesting that anyone has a right to cheat or deserves to be cheated on, but damn, do people have their reasons.
I'll leave you with this: If you feel like you're on the verge of stepping outside your committed monogamous relationship for whatever reason, remember, the Madisons of the worst reserve the right to troll you back in the best way possible.
