The dark days of Winter have come to pass. Daylight Savings Time is back in effect. Drunken revelers have invaded our city. Yes, Spring is here, which means that ABC has once again made room in its schedule, which is otherwise full of shows with the word "bitch" in the title, to grace us with a new season of Dancing With The Stars.
Last year, J.R. Martinez took home the championship in a battle so memorable we had to look it up on Wikipedia. Who will prove themselves the supreme dancer this year? Let's go on this tedious, months-long journey together!
Maria Menounos and Derek kicked off the season with the Cha Cha.
Despite being a very attractive lady, Maria annoys us right off the bat
in her training by going out of her way to emphasize how she isn't a
"girly girl" but rather one of the guys. The Cha-cha only gets a 21,
but what do you expect? She was probably chowing down at Buffalo Wild
Wings with her bros before the show. Y'know, because she's such a dude.
Soap opera star Jack Wagner and Anna gave it the old college try with
the Foxtrot. The dancing was fine, scoring a 23, but was remarkable
for their choice to wear matching blue pastel outfits in an attempt to
establish themselves as the "aggressively White" team. Best of luck to
Jack in the competition, since whatever soap he is on will almost
certainly be cancelled whenever Kathy Griffin decides she wants a
daytime talk show.
Green Bay Packer Donald Driver and Peta tried to Cha-Cha. Donald
quickly establishes his DWTS credibility by claiming himself a fan
since season one. However, for a Super Bowl-winning wide receiver, he
certainly fumbled this dance. You could even say he was sacked.
Football, am I right? They scored a 21, but Peta deserves bonus
points for wearing as little clothing as possible.
Gavin DeGraw and Karina danced the Foxtrot. In college, we knew
two separate women at two separate universities who claimed to have hooked
up with Gavin. Will this salacious rumor affect DeGraw in the
competition? Not unless there is a corollary between bedding coeds and
being a terrible dancer. The judges mercifully give them a 20.
Disney actor Roshon Fegan and Chelsie performed the Cha-Cha. Roshon
seems to have gone to The Drake Finishing School for Child Actors and is attempting to cross over into hip-hop. Ambitiously, Roshon begins his
dance on a fainting couch. His choice in antiquated furniture
impresses the judges, earning a 23.
Sherri Shepperd and Val broke it down with a Foxtrot. The blogosphere
has been abuzz with allegations that Sherri has cheated by beginning
her DWTS training early. We would cover this scandal more in-depth,
but the fact that we're even aware of a DWTS cheating controversy
fills us with an unhealthy amount of self-loathing. Sherri and Val
stole a 23 score from the judges, just like how the Illuminati has
stolen every Presidential election for the past sixty years. (Look it up.)
Little House on the Prairie star Melissa Gilbert and Maks took their
turn with the Cha-Cha. Back in the day Melissa dated Rob Lowe,
John Cusack, Scott Baio and Tom Cruise, which is impressive for a girl
who spent her youth in prairie garb so conservative Rick Santorum
would encourage her to show a little skin. Maks still hasn't learned
how to spell his name in a way that isn't completely stupid. They
don't teach the Cha-Cha on the prairie, unfortunately; the pair earned a
Telenovela actor William Levy and Cheryl performed a Cha-Cha as well.
Tom Bergeron says that Levy is called "the Mexican Brad Pitt, which is
odd because he's from Cuba." Actually, Tom, it's odd because calling a
Cuban guy a Mexican is racist. That may fly on America's Funniest Home
Videos, but not here, pal. Their dancing gets a 24.
Tennis Champion Martina Navratilova and her partner Foxtroted terribly and earned
a 20. This review is running long so someone has to suffer. What else
were we supposed to do, make tennis jokes?
Katherine Jenkins and Mark performed a very impressive Foxtrot.
Katherine is apparently a classical singer trying to be a crossover
star, which is too bad because there is only room in America's heart
for one classical singer crossover star and Charlotte Church earned that spot. They get a 26.
Living Legend Gladys Knight and Tristan Cha-cha'ed. Gladys is pretty
much the coolest person ever and totally outclasses everyone on the
whole show. Her victory is as inevitable as Barry Gordy's robbing
every Motown star blind was in the 60's. They get a 23, probably only
because the judges didn't want the other teams to be discouraged by
how badly Gladys and Tristan are going to beat them.
Jaleel White and Kym closed the show with a truly wonderful Foxtrot.
It's like Jaleel wanted to prove anyone who has pigeon holed him as
Urkel wrong. Dude was pure Stefan Urquelle tonight. Hey, remember how
that girl from Family Matters wound up acting in adult movies. There
really isn't a joke here, it's just something we think about from time
to time. Jaleel and Kym are awarded 26 points.
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And that's it for the season premiere of Dancing With The Stars. Our
bet is that Martina Navratilova goes home, mostly because we don't
know who she is and her name is hard to spell. Until next week!