So it's finally upon us: Week Seven -- the Halloween episode. But the real scares come as the horror of watching Dancing With the Stars
without Chaz Bono. We all knew this day would come, but you can't prepare for
it, you know?
So last night, one of the best party nights of the year, we stayed in,
bypassing the candy, skimpy dresses, and traditional Halloween drugs (Ketamine,
FYI) to watch a condensed but still unnecessarily long edition of
Dancing With the Stars. Which were the best costumes? Or scary name-based
puns? Let's find out...
David Arquette and Kym start the evening off by
Cha-Cha-Chaing to Steve Miller's "Abracadabra." Is "Abracadabra" supposed to be
a scary song? Not really, but it gives David the opportunity to practice magic!
They get a 24!
Dancing a Tango to "The Theme From Ghostbusters" by The Guy
who Wrote "The Theme from Ghostbusters" (Just kidding, Ray Parker Junior!) is
J.R. Martinez and Karina. They
"bust" (get it? "Bust?") their way to a 25, which would be a good score for
most of the competition but seems weirdly disappointing for J.R. Maybe there is
a weird Halloween curse where J.R. is being haunted by the spirit of Chaz...
by Charlie Daniels Band, ensuring this will be the first and last time someone
uses "Charlie Daniels" and "Jive" in the same sentence. Nancy bypasses her
usual costume of shrill, evil, Hell Demon to dress as a not quite as scary
interpretation of the Devil. Their score is a 21.
Boy Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting divorced!
What a load of Malarkey that marriage was! Only in Hollywood (Or as we like to
say, HollyWEIRD!). The whole thing lasted only 72 days. We've read books that
lasted longer than the marriage (72 days may seem like a long time to read a
book but it was The Hunger Games and we really wanted to savor it.) That Kim
sure is a piece of work, and we're not talking about her ass. If she and Kris
can't make it work, is there hope for the rest of us? (Probably, we aren't Kim
Kardashian and an athlete trying to score quick millions on a sham wedding).
Oh, Rob Kardashian scored a 25 dancing to the Tango to The Addams Family Song
or something....
Ricki Lake and Derek do a Paso Doble to Beyonce's "Sweet
Dreams." What kind of dance is a Paso Doble? We're not quite sure, but it seems
like a good one! 27.
Hope Solo and Maks Samba to Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of
London." Our mother saw Maks while visiting California this weekend and pretended
like she was excited and not at all disappointed that her celebrity sighting
was one of the many dancers on this show who spells their name wrong.
"Werewolves of London" isn't a particularly scary song unless you count the
tragic loss of Mr. Zevon to the music world, which we do. If you want to do
something really scary go to Netflix Instant Watch and watch the episode of The
Larry Sanders Show where Larry's guests are Zevon, John Ritter and Gene Siskel.
They are all dead! Creepy! They get a 26.
This is David Arquette's week to go, right? Or maybe NancyGrace. Predicting is Hard! Until next week...
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
