The 84th Academy Awards are just around the corner, and that can only mean one thing: socially acceptable Sunday night boozin'. After all, real film fans don't casually sip champagne as Hollywood's biggest night winds its way to its inevitable conclusion sometime around midnight. They pound their drinks to dull the pain of long acceptance speeches and awkward banter.
On any other night of the year, treating your psychological distress with liquor is just boring old alcoholism. But on Oscars Sunday, it's a fun game for adults and kids with fake IDs alike.
In that spirit, we present Cultist's own drinking game. What can we say? We're glad to help your Oscar event descend into total bacchanalia. You'll thank us later. Or you'll be too hungover to retaliate against us. Either way.
Here are the rules:
Take One Drink:
...if a winner thanks God before a manager or an agent. (Unlikely.)
...if any female actually shows up sporting a dragon tattoo. Two drinks if it's real.
...if anyone makes a political comment you agree with. ("Occupy Hollywood!")
...every time Miss Piggy says "moi."
...every time a non-famous winner (think Short Film:
Animated) gets played off.
Take Two Drinks:
...if someone comments on how long the show
is. (Double this amount if this line is uttered after the show was
supposed to already end.)
...if someone makes a political comment you disagree with. If you're liberal, you can pretty much ignore this rule.
...every time a famous winner (think Best Actress) gets played off. Double it if the winner pulls an Adele.
...if a winner comments on how heavy the statue is. Real original, asshole.
...for anyone seen crying, even if they're obviously just over-acting.
Take Three Gulps :
...if host Billy Crystal
jokes that the key from Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close actually
fits into Hugo's automaton.
...if last year's Best
Supporting Actress Melissa Leo lets the F-word slip for the second
...if Brett Ratner is mentioned. You're gonna need it.
Down Your Whole Drink :
...if Tom Cruise enters the stage
via bungee cord a la Mission: Impossible -- Ghost Protocol. Cheers your friends in celebration if he falls in the process.
...if Brett Ratner makes an appearance. You're gonna need it even more.
...if last year's Best Supporting
Actor Christian Bale mentions Broadway's new musical. (At this point, the game also requires you to say "Headlines don't sell papes; newsies sell papes" in your best Newsies accent.)
Finish the Whole Bottle and Pray for Death:
...if anyone makes an Extremely Loud and Incredibly Glenn Close pun.
Switch to Water:
...if you see Best Picture awarded to anything but The Artist, at which point you are clearly no longer in touch with reality.
-- Jordana Mishory
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.