Poor Chris Brown. He's had a rough couple weeks.
Ever since he jumped back into the national spotlight with his Grammy performance, everybody's out to get him. Critics panned his show. Feminists and other sane individuals were horrified at some girls' tweets about it. Birds attacked his face. Then the whole world got all up in his business about his collaboration with Rihanna, and his attendance at her spliff-tastic birthday party.
It's enough to make a guy lose his shit and steal a cellphone.
Clearly, the man needs an image makeover. And as they say on Intervention, the nice thing about rock bottom is that there's nowhere to go but up. So we put together a few suggestions for Brown's personal re-branding, based on past celebrities' tactics. We're not saying they're all winners. But they're a hell of a lot better than what the guy's doing now.
Go Conservative
It's hard to believe that Mitt Romney wasn't always the right-wing robot you see on TV. But a recent campaign ad features past quotes from the politician like "I will preserve and protect a woman's right to choose" and "I don't line up with the National Rifle Association." Now that Romney's tossed that healthy world view, Republicans are willing to consider him for the presidency. If Chris Brown adopts similar stances, the red states may embrace him as well. And hey, he's already halfway there -- no one's can accuse him of preserving or protecting anything about a woman.
Give to Charity
Everyone loves a philanthropist. And it's easy to imagine Chris Brown "going to the ghetto and passing stuff out of [his] car." Like that iPhone he stole.
Change Your Name
The phrase "Chris Brown" is associated with domestic violence, robbery, and shitty music. It may be irrevocably destroyed. Our suggestion: Brown should pull a Prince and change his name to an unpronounceable symbol. "The Criminally Violent Pop Star Formerly Known as Chris Brown" has a nice ring to it, no?
Pose for Playboy
No, we don't mean Playgirl. We think a Chris Brown Playboy spread would do the guy a lot of good. The pages of Hugh Hefner's spank-mag have served as a career rebooting venue for plenty of starlets over the years. Photos of Brown donning lacy lingerie and striking coquettish poses might just show the vulnerable side of the singer that the world's been waiting for. Or we'd all just have a good laugh at his expense. It's a win either way.
Get Married
Y'know who else needs an image makeover? Kim Kardashian. Better free up your next 72 days, Brown.
Go Away
No, seriously. We're not kidding.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
