Tobacco Throne of Doom

The last time we fought a dragon, we had been listening to Slayer’s “Hell Awaits” on repeat for three days straight, drinking screw-top vodka under the highway, and lurking in the shadows of downtown in pursuit of evil. When our AA batteries ran out and the music stopped, we lost control, put our left fist through a mirror, tripped over an old shoe, and plunged face-first into a pool of bile, lung blood, piss, and dirt. Baptized in unholy water, we’ve been sitting in wait for the dark tones of our soul to find expression ever since. Then yesterday someone threw a flyer in our cave for Kryptonite Metal Fest 5 at Tobacco Road. More than 20 heavy-metal bands on four stages will play from 7 p.m. till their shredding consumes all of reality. And that’s when the Guitar God contest takes place, in which a local, custom-made weapon from Anonymous Guitar, fabricated specially for this event, will go to the one who wields the greatest destructive musical force. There are also raffles for Critical Recordings studio time, graphic design, free promotions, and art supplies.

Sat., Feb. 18, 7 p.m., 2012