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The Miami Dolphins might be one of the NFL’s worst teams, but when it comes to eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, they’re right up there with the league’s best.
Hey, it’s been a tough season. We’ll take it!
It’s a storied tradition for Dolphins fans to chant “Su-per Bowl, Su-per Bowl, Su-per Bowl!” when exiting the stadium after a big win. Given this recent news from the Athletic, it might be time to change the chant to “Un-crust-able, Un-crust-able, Un-crust-able!”
The NFL goes through 80,000 Uncrustables per year we plan on breaking that record pic.twitter.com/AYYH8uXlag
— Pardon My Take (@PardonMyTake) October 25, 2024
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When You Say “Miami,” You’re Talking Uncrustables
The Athletic reports that NFL squads have developed a borderline stalker-like obsession with Uncrustables – a “Thaw & Eat!” crustless peanut butter and jelly sandwich product sold by Smucker’s – and the Dolphins are one of the league’s most voracious consumers of the childhood delight.
Per the Athletic, the Dolphins plow through 300 Uncrustables a week as a team. That’s right. Your Miami football Dolphins are putting 300 kid lunch treats into their pieholes on a weekly basis.
Yet somehow, we still wonder how they’ve started the season 2-5.
The indulgence of 300 Uncrustables per week pins the Dolphins among the NFL’s PB&J elite, ranking them fourth on the list of Uncrustables lovers, within striking distance of the Jacksonville Jaguars (315) and Seattle Seahawks (320), but nowhere near the Denver Broncos, who delete an unconscionable 700 of the sammies every seven days.
By contrast, the Cincinnati Bengals and New Orleans Saints are mere dabblers, internalizing a mere 50 Uncrustables each week. That’s less than one Uncrustable per active roster player – which, if we’re being honest, is concerning.
Even millionaires should be putting free Uncrustables in their bags to take home. We used to be a proper country.
I’m sorry but I need this broken down by player and position group pic.twitter.com/PhJF0M2IVf
— matt ufford (@mattufford) October 25, 2024
Uncrustables Obsession
When you add it up, the 24 NFL teams that participated in the survey consume between 3,600 and 4,300 Uncrustables weekly, or roughly 80,000 sandwiches over the course of a season. Lined up side by side, that’d be enough Uncrustables to cover about 18 yards on a football field.
Somewhere, the suits at Costco are smiling, knowing no matter how many family-size boxes they carry, it will never be enough.
