Audio By Carbonatix
Independent Journalism in Miami Needs You
We need to raise $10,000 by August 9 to support the reporting our community depends on. Reader support keeps us independent and is playing a larger role in funding local journalism and shaping what comes next. If you believe independent local journalism matters, make a contribution today.
Hey ladies: Are you feeling unappreciated? Have you ever wished that strange men would oogle your cleavage more than they already do? Are you tired of reminding potential sexual partners that, even though your eyes are “up here,” what you’d really like them to notice are your assets “down there”?
GreenSmith Concepts Inc., based in Hollywood, Florida, can help. No, silly, not with self-esteem-boosting therapy sessions or women’s studies classes. With temporary tattoos for your tits! Duh.
They’re called Ta-ta-toos, and according to their makers, they’re designed to “highlight a woman’s best assets… her cleverness and creativity.”
If only we’d heard about this before Mother’s Day.
The tattoos feature curved designs intended to be placed just above the neckline of your favorite low-cut blouse. Think Eve’s tiger claw tattoos, except instead of fierce-looking tiger claws, you’ll be wearing a female cliche straight out of a Cathy cartoon.
There’s the “Happy Birthday” collection, which conveniently lets you present your lady funbags as a gift to the birthday boy, with phrases like “Happy Birthday” and “Let’s Celebrate.”
There’s the “Risque” collection, ideal for the man who’s not so great with innuendo, featuring more overt phrases like “Bite Me” and “Spank Me.” (Wait — is boob-spanking a thing now?)
And there’s a full selection of holiday tattoos. Give your slutty fill-in-the-blank Halloween costume an extra dose of promiscuity with “Trick/Treat”! Show him you love him where it counts this Valentine’s Day with “I’m Yours/Be Mine”! Eschew the carols this Christmas and give him his very own set of “Jingle Bells”!
The tattoos will last between five and seven days, are removable with rubbing alcohol, and cost about $10. And really, isn’t that a small price to pay? After all, other men get to objectify your body all the time. Why not save them the trouble and just objectify yourself?
Celebrate the joys of modern womanhood at tatatoos.com.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
