Here Are All the Times Jeffrey Loria Screwed Miami Marlins Fans

Miami’s seemingly never-ending saga of Jeffrey Loria, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb might finally be coming to a close. Loria owns the Miami Marlins, a taxpayer-funded rich-person welfare program that occasionally hosts baseball games. After buying the team in 2003 for roughly $150 million, the sports-team equivalent of cereal box tops, Loria proceeded to put next to zero money into the team, lie his way into getting Miami taxpayers to foot the bill for a billion-dollar stadium that no one uses, and help get the sitting county mayor recalled. He somehow found the time to do this between spates of making himself extremely inaccessible to the media or public.

Along the way, Loria has made himself so deeply unpopular that other Major League Baseball team owners have insulted him, which is no small feat, because at least one other baseball team still uses a racist logo of a Native American as a mascot. Loria’s plan has been obvious all along: He bought the team for pennies, sat on his investment like a slumlord property speculator, and now stands to sell the team for more than $1 billion after doing everything he could to piss off and screw over the team’s fan base. He might even sell the team to Charles Kusher, Ivanka Trump’s father-in-law, who is a felon.

So, given the news that a “handshake deal” is reportedly in place to sell the team to an unnamed buyer, let us recount the reasons we won’t miss having Loria around:
1. He and the county lied their asses off to get a new ballpark.

2. He sued his own season-ticket holders.
3. He donated cash he made from Marlins fans to Donald Trump.

4. Like a true deadbeat dad, Loria promised the Marlins a new team plane that never materialized.

5. He kicked a lifelong fan out of a game for bringing an anti-Loria sign.

6. He refused to sell a season-ticket package to a fan because the guy resold too many of his old tickets.

7. He burned through 11 managers in 13 seasons.

8. He effectively bought the Marlins for free in the first place despite being richer than Scrooge McDuck.

9. He told then-star Jose Reyes to buy a home in Miami two days before trading him.

10. He prevented fans from getting autographs during spring training and closed off cheap seats at the team’s exhibition stadium.

11. And, of course, he refused to let Jeb Bush buy the team in the 2013 offseason.

To celebrate Miami’s impending Loria exorcism, please treat yourself to this video of LeBron James nearly killing Loria on the sidelines of a Miami Heat game in 2012: