Audio By Carbonatix
After a hard day of filing my nails, receiving deep tissue massages,
and ordering Manolo Blahniks from Neiman Marcus’s online store (THANK
GOD for the plummeting economy – sales are faaaabulous), there’s
nothing that I like more than grabbing my komodo dragon and baby
panda-fur lined purse, driving my Hummer from the New Times parking lot
.02 miles to Biscayne Bay, cheek-kissing Jay Z and B hello while
jumping into my yacht, tanning, eating sushi, tanning some more, and
giggling as I run over manatees on my way to the Ritz Carlton for
cocktails and some MUCH needed R&R.
…Alright. Other than gratuitously murdering sea cows, I’m so full of shit.
I don’t spend my work-day pampering myself. Or shopping. Rather, as
soon as I walk into the office I’m physically forced, with the aid of
Tasers, into a storage closet to do 8 hours straight of data-entry. I
can’t afford designer shoes, expensive cars, fancy boats, or even a
canoe.
But thanks to the DiLido Beach Club (1 Lincoln Rd., 786-276-4000,
Miami Beach), and their Hookah Happy Hour, I can still afford the Ritz.
That’s because every Thursday and Friday from 5 – 8 p.m. drinks, that
are typically $15, are reduced to $7 and bowls of sweet-smelling,
flavored tobacco are on the house.
You’re welcome.
But don’t credit me for this awesome deal, throw your gratitude
towards the nights’ host, Jeff McInnis, chef de cuisine at DiLido and
the blondest remaining contestant on this season of Top Chef.
During a 4 week stint at Fayrouz Restaurant in Sharm el-Sheikh,
Egypt, Jeff was romanticized by the culture’s way of finishing off
their meals. After dinner, a local who worked in the restaurant’s
kitchen would make coffee and teas on charcoals. After the hot
beverages were done, he’d use the same coal to burn shisha or maassel
(shredded tobacco leaves that have been soaked and sweetened with
molasses, semi-dried fruit, or honey) in hookahs. With a little squeeze
of lemon or lime into the water in the base, customers sucked on
hos(es) and soothed their stomachs while gazing into the starry night.
But free tobacco’s not all you’ll get at Hookah Happy Hour. Order a
tapa and complimentary pita-esque bread complete with hummus and olives
arrives at your oceanfront cabana as well. Oh, and Jeff just may pop by
your table with a jug of liquid nitrogen and a bowl of pureed, organic
mangos and whip you up a natural, delicious and sugar-free sorbet
topped with diced watermelon.
But enough about the grub, let’s get to what really matters – the booze:
Cucumber Mojito:
When you go to a bar in Miami and ask the bartender for drink
suggestions, the response is almost always a mojito of some sort. And
although tasty, they’re quickly becoming the bane of my existence. So,
needless to say, when my waiter suggested a Cubanized mint, sugar, and
lemon libation, I wanted to strangle him with my hookah hose and pummel
him with a dozen endangered sea turtle eggs (which is why the patio of
the DiLido gets a little dark when the sun goes down – bright lights
disturb the turtles’ bow-chicka-bow-bow time). Yet, due to my waiter’s
persistent assurance that it was, indeed, a kick-ass drink, I ordered
it and was pleasantly surprised. The cucumber is pureed and blended
with frozen mojito mix. Doused with Don Q, the veggie in this drink
provides not only an interesting flavor element, but also neutralizes
the overt sweetness of a traditional mojito, making it quite
refreshing. My only quip is that I drank two and never got a buzz.
Sorbet Cocktails:
Easy on the taste buds, I tried a honey and coconut sorbet concoction,
and felt it was a little heavy. And, if these drinks were a dogs (I
know, slobbering, flea-ridden mutts are super-appetizing, but go with
it), they would come from the very same litter as a pina colada. Not
really my thing — I preferred Jeff’s personal sangria recipe, which
isn’t on the menu, but was made with champagne and watermelon juice —
but hand me one of these drinks during the day in August, and I’ll
slurp it down faster than a conehead can devour a foot long sub.
Last Call
All in all, Hookah Happy Hour is pretty fantastic. The crowd is fun
and friendly and there’s tons of signature drinks, just stick to the
lighter cocktails. And do mix flavors of shisha, the more adventurous
the better, and mint is good with almost anything. However, MAKE SURE
to call The Ritz Carlton before hitting up this place, the DiLido tends
to close when there’s bad weather and cancels the happy hour whenever a
private party books the patio.
