Audio By Carbonatix
The Florida Primary has finally arrived, and so has Jesus’ endorsement for president. Jesus vetted the candidates for you all last week, and while Rudolph Giuliani and Hillary Clinton got high scores, 4 Crosses and 4 1/2 Crosses respectively, they just couldn’t summit the mountain that is Jesus’ all important vote. Click here to read the whole Who Would Jesus Vote For? series. Now, without further ado, we present you Jesus’ pick for the 44th President of the United States.
Remember in the patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®, a maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.
Jesus likes Huckabee, go figure.
Mike Huckabee: Jesus first heard about Huckabee through the big red telephone that connects Him directly to Chuck Norris’s ranch. Jesus’ endorsement is like two steps below a Norris endorsement; they agree on pretty much everything.
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Furthermore, Huckabee is a felon-pardoning pastor who knows his way around a guitar — just like Jesus.
Finally, Jesus doesn’t care what anybody says: He just loves this guy’s hillbilly name.
CRS Result: 5 Crosses
There you have it folks, Jesus chooses Huckabee. Now do what you will with this information, but get out there and vote. Yea, yea, Florida doesn’t get to send any Democratic delegates (and only half the normal Republican contingent) to the national convention, but voting is good for the soul. Just ask Jesus. — Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan
