Audio By Carbonatix
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Arrested: 8/8
Charged with: Third-degree grand theft
Hey, Domo made it back to the internet! It’s like one of those feel-good news stories about a cat that gets blown 400 miles away by a tornado but staggers home three months later.
Arrested: 8/8
Charged with: Trespassing after warning, attempt to influence a public servant through use of a threat
Hey, justice system, you guys broke our old pimp’s spirit! Jerks!
Arrested: 8/8
Charged with: Disorderly intoxication, indecent exposure
Dear Just For Men (Beard Division),
Ever since I’ve started using your product, the strangest thing has been happening. My clothes keep exploding off of me. It’s resulted in me getting arrested for indecent exposure! Please advise.
-Invigorated But Incarcerated
IBI,
That means the product is working! That’s just the raw sexual magnetism exploding all of your clothes off! Enclosed find a $5-off coupon redeemable at participating Walgreens.
Arrested: 8/7
Charged with: Loitering/prowling
Dude, there’s no polite way to say this: You look like a fucking leprechaun right now.
Arrested: 8/4
Charged with: Contracting without a license, grand theft third degree, possession of a cannabis, possession of cocaine, cocaine trafficking
Ooooh, pony hair!
Arrested: 8/3
Charged with: Possession of marijuana
Beard break! Now would be a good time to get a glass of water or make a Pop-Tart.
Arrested: 8/6
Charged with: Assault, cannabis possession
Bet this guy’s Match.com handle is FatRasputin.
Arrested: 8/5
Charged with: Burglary of an occupied dwelling, battery, second degree grand theft, criminal mischief, cocaine possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, dealing in stolen property, pawnbroker transaction violation
Don’t think for a second that we’re denigrating beards. Without a beard, for example, this fellow would look like the Fat Cop Dad from Family Matters. With it, he looks like… Well, he looks like a Super Mario Bros. Goomba.
Arrested: 8/7
Charged with: Possession of ecstasy
Outkast has always kind of had a Goodwill Hunting Ben-Affleck-and-Matt-Damon kind of thing where you try to figure out which one is really the genius. At first, of course, you bet on Andre 3000, because of his pants. But then they split up and Andre’s own music starts seeming a little bit shallow and he makes an animated series on the Cartoon Network, and Big Boi keeps being amazing and then he gets caught as a 46-year-old man with ecstasy on a cruise ship and it clicks: Ah-ha! All this time, the little unassuming one was the Roy to his Siegfried!
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