Holiday Haz

It’s that time of year again. Fright time. The season to hide in your room. Preferably under the bed. Whatever you do, stay away from those festive fools who insist on celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any other holiday that comes under the heading of Advent or the arrival of the winter solstice. Time of good cheer? Forget about it. Make that “time of hideous danger.” Get out of town, dude. Take a vacation in Iraq.

Riptide sees the signs everywhere.

Did you know a turkey can be turned, just like that, into an improvised explosive device? Tragically true. The week before Thanksgiving, the Broward Sheriff’s Office issued a press release announcing that deep-fried turkey is delicious “but can be dangerous.” The little gobblers can blow up, especially when you dump a still-frozen bird into boiling-hot oil. Worst-case scenario? Hot grease spraying your kitchen like napalm. Best? Having your guests lick stuffing off the ceiling fan.

Miami-Dade’s Consumer Services Department only stressed Riptide out more. Never use lighted candles on an evergreen, the agency warned, and never use electric lights on a metallic tree. While you’re obsessing about turkey bombs, beware of these other holiday hazards:

• Rogue carolers: Turn off the lights and pretend not to be home. Just like Halloween!

• Sour eggnog: No, you don’t have to throw it away. Turn lemons into lemonade and offer it to your father-in-law.

• Animal-wrapping mishaps: Giving the gift of a pet? Be sure to poke a few discreet air holes in the wrapped box. Nothing ruins the holidays quicker than a dead kitten. (It’s best to punch the holes before placing the furry friend in the box.)

Did Riptide mention you should keep your fingers out of the wall socket?

Happy holidays.