DeFede

Good morning. Miami Herald circulation department. How can I help you?

Yes, I’d like to report a problem with my delivery boy.

What’s wrong, sir?

It seems the little bastard has shrunk my paper. Just because I forgot to tip him at Christmas doesn’t mean he has the right to shrink my paper. I’m paying for a full-size paper and I expect to get a full-size paper.

Excuse me, sir, but your delivery boy isn’t shrinking your paper.

Well, I know we’ve been getting a lot of rain lately, so maybe it has something to do with that, but my paper is definitely smaller.

Sir, it has nothing to do with the rain, either. You are simply receiving the new-and-improved Teeny-Weenie Herald. The Teeny-Weenie Herald is a miracle of modern newspapering. Using space-age polymers, we are able to make the paper smaller while telling you it’s bigger.

But it’s not bigger, it’s smaller.

Of course it’s smaller. We re trying to save money wherever we can. But we can t just tell people we re giving them a smaller paper. No one would want it. So we use words like bold and beefed up and hope you re dumb enough to believe us. We’ll even add a few pages for the first few months so you have the impression we’re actually increasing the amount of news you’ll receive, but eventually we’ll cut back on those as well.

And then I’ll really be left with a smaller paper.

That’s right. That’s when you’ll experience the full impact of the Teeny-Weenie Herald, a newspaper as small and petty as the town it covers.

Hey, that’s pretty catchy. A newspaper as small and petty as the town it covers. I like it.

Thanks. We re thinking of putting it on bumper stickers and tote bags.

I have to tell you, though, I was really freaked out by the size of the paper. I had a bit too much to drink last night and I was still a little buzzed this morning, so when I picked up the paper I thought my hands had swollen up really big. I felt like that guy in The Incredible Shrinking Man.

I can understand your concern.

So tell me, why did you guys shrink the paper? Is it that lawsuit by Xavier Suarez? Are you anticipating having to pony up a lot of money to that fruitcake?

No, that’s not it.

Because making the paper smaller is a silly idea. You realize the paper is now about as wide as a roll of toilet paper. That’s a comparison you really don’t want to encourage. So where did the idea come from?

I’ll tell you, but you can’t tell anyone else. It’s a huge secret and all the employees at the Teeny-Weenie Herald have been sworn to secrecy.

Okay, okay. I won’t tell anyone.

Apparently it was the publisher’s idea. A few months ago Alberto Ibargüen was over at a friend’s house for a bris — you know the Jewish ceremony where a baby is circumcised …

You mean —

That’s right. When the mohel snipped, a little light bulb went on over Ibargüen s head. I understand he even hired the mohel as a consultant on just how much to trim off the side of the paper.

Metaphorically speaking, wouldn’t that make the Herald a, well, a penis?

Trust me, no one around here feels good about that. We’re all feeling a bit —

Flaccid?

You got that right.