As if dating in this town isn’t hard enough, Tinder is here to remind the woman of Miami that rock bottom is actually a lot deeper than we previously thought. Oh sure, it’s great for a laugh, and its even enjoyable when you’re drunk and trolling Tinder guys with your friends, prompting conversations that could land you on the Tinder Nightmares’ Instagram account. But then you start to think about the disaster that was your last Tinder date and realize you haven’t met a quality man in months, it’s only a matter of time before you’re reaching for the vodka and ordering a pizza to go with your Netflix binge, contemplating whether or not it’s time to recycle your last boyfriend.
Tinder in Miami is like Mugshot Fridays for single people: often unbelievable, disturbing and downright criminal, the stuff that Miami men think women want is enough to drive any woman to celibacy. But like a car accident you just can’t look away from, we’re somehow drawn again and again to opening our apps and seeing what’s out there. And what’s out there ladies, is pretty bleak, but also pretty hilarious.
Whether you’re new to Tinder, in town for a fortnight, or just really really terrible at picking the right men, we’re here to help. Here’s our round-up of the Miami guys you see on Tinder that deserve an automatic swipe to the left.
Look at all of muscles
Courtesy of some guy on Tinder
The Muscle Man
This guy doesn’t even bother showing you a picture of his face, because it doesn't matter. Nope, he’s going to reel you in with a picture of just his back, flexin'. He goes right for the kill, giving lucky ladies all over Miami a healthy dose of shirtless selfies. His chiseled abs. Doing pull-ups at his local Crossfit. A snap in the mirror while he downs his protein shake. This guy just really gets Miami – he knows that in this superficial steroid beach town we live in, the way to a woman’s heart is by giving her a peep of your well-defined pecks.
The Money Guy
This guy has decided that the only way into a woman’s
bed heart is by promising a never ending bounty of material objects. The Money Guy is looking for a particular brand of Miami gold digger, and he’s carefully curated his Tinder profile with a selection of photos displaying more subliminal brand placement than an episode of the Kardashians. “Why don’t we take a ride in my fast car?” he seems to suggest as he leans against a luxury vehicle. “How about an exotic vacation?” he asks, his skin glistening as he stares at you from the inside of a hot tub. In case you’re one of these guys, here’s something you should know: It’s kind of obvious that you’re a douche, and we’re not buying that any of this actually belongs to you.
The Guy That’s Looking for Something Serious
There it is, just under a photo of him in which he’s acting like he has no idea that someone is taking his photo: “If you’re not looking for anything serious, swipe left.” This guy is reeling you in with the promise of monogamy, and he’s attractive enough and seemingly cool enough to make you believe it’s too good to be true. In this case, you should follow your instincts because this man is the worst kind: He’s wise enough to tell you what you want to hear, so he can bail right after he gets what he wants. If he's serious about being serious, he's probably still reeling from his divorce.
The Guy That’s Not Looking for Anything Serious
“Not looking for anything serious” reads the first line of his profile. This is a warning. This guy is so delusional that he doesn’t realize that absolutely nothing about him makes him boyfriend material, and in most cases, not even one-night-stand material. He’s usually balding, middle-aged or overweight, or a combination of all three. He doesn’t realize that advertising his unavailability only adds to his creepiness, and makes him almost as bad as a guy that would lie about what he’s looking for.
Courtesy of Tinder
The Guy That's Got a Girl(s) in His Photo
I guess I can kinda understand the strategy here, and this guy usually goes hand in hand with our pal, the nothing serious guy. In his Neanderthal mind he's thinking that if he was in close enough proximity to a girl as hot as this one, then he must be worthy of an equally hot girl and you should totally be enticed to give him a chance. Since the only thing worse than being a womanizer is wanting to appear like one when you’re trying to meet women, the only thing to do here ladies is swipe LEFT.
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The Guy That’s Not so Sure
This guy appears to be dressed really well, has a sort of feminine charm about him, and almost all of his photos contain other dudes, in situations in which they look a little too close for comfort and unaware of the message that such a photo is sending to eligible bachelorettes. No, he’s not in a fraternity, but he might be gay, or maybe a little confused. This one almost always entices you to swipe right because you want to believe that maybe he’s just reallyyyyy hip to what women are looking for.
The What’s My Age Again Guy
Just because age ain’t nothing but a number, doesn’t mean we want you to lie about it, does it? The What’s My Age Again guy likes to fib about his age, seemingly because he thinks it will help him get women of a certain age (read: younger). This can go both ways ladies: I’ve seen adolescent teenagers trolling Tinder and claiming to be 28, or middle-aged men deluding themselves into thinking that we totally believe they’re 28. In some cases, they’ll even post a photo from a hundred years ago to make you believe it.
The Guy That Really Sells Himself in His Profile
This guy is everything you're looking for in a man. He's promising candlelit dinners, moonlit walks on the beach. He confesses he loves to party and have fun, but he's just as happy staying in and watching Netflix. He talks about his great job, his cool friends, how much he loves his momma. But at the end of the day, we know what's up: he's trying just a little too hard, isn't he? The guys that take the time to give you this kind of sales pitch is usually so spot on, that he veers into creepy (like murder creepy). This ain't a personal ad, bro. It's Tinder.