Games of Shame: The Five Worst Video Game Tie-Ins of All Time
Some video games just fucking suck. And it's no coincidence that the vast majority of shitty games are based on some other shitty media product -- a plastic Disney pop tart, some dumb movie, or softcore porn magazine -- that corporate America considers a sacred cash cow.
It's become routine procedure for greedy developers to rehash whatever pop culture crap they think will stick to the wall, so now every summer blockbuster comes complete with a half-baked game version for every single console on Planet Earth. The result is a bargain bin of disaster that fills faster than you can say Hannah Montana: The Video Game.
Check out the jump for the five worst video game tie-ins of all time.
Impractical Jokers "Where's Larry" Tour Starring The Tenderloins
TicketsSat., May. 7, 10:00pm
Beautiful: The Carole King Musical
TicketsTue., May. 10, 8:00pm
A Subtle Bent On Deconstruction By Cliff Burgess
TicketsWed., May. 11, 7:30pm
Rupaul's Drag Race: Battle Of The Seasons
TicketsWed., May. 11, 9:00pm
Spin Moves by Ken Weitzman
TicketsThu., May. 12, 7:30pm
Obviously former Miami resident Shaquille O'Neal couldn't make a game about basketball. No, that might actually be good. Instead, he chose to license his name to a horrifyingly awful fighting game that sent the NBA All-Star to some alternate dimension where he was forced to battle a bunch of random foes to the death. Unfortunately, the developers didn't have the foresight to include his ex-wife's lawyers on the enemies list.
2. Kris Kross: Make My Video
The most popular kid rappers in backwards pants from the go-go early '90s decided to capitalize on their massive success by releasing a video game. However, the failed abortion that hit shelves wasn't really a video game at all. It was more like a buggy editing program that allowed the "player" to remix Kris Kross's music videos -- all two of them! -- and insert pre-rendered shots of these miniature spitters into a brutally pixelated eye-ache. We're guessing this ass-backwards video game sold about half as many copies (1.25 total) as the duo's third album.
Most of these people are dead. You know, culturally dead.
3. Revolution X:
Aerosmith's return to popularity during the '90s brought along with it this total turd of a video game. This arcade gun game involved the player rescuing the band from a totalitarian world leader, Mistress Helga, who seeks to banish the world of all music, movies, and video games. Revolution X would have probably fared better had it been truer to reality; it's hard to start a revolution on a heroin binge.
4. White Men Can't Jump:
This was a watershed movie that broke racial barriers across America and introduced us all to neon tank tops. It also spawned one of the worst sports games ever created. Released for the ill-fated Atari Jaguar system, White Men Can't Jump was fatally cursed with monumentally boring graphics, rendering it basically unplayable. Along with its unendurable visuals, the game was loaded with inane banter from Wesley Snipes while, sadly, there was nary an appearance by Rosie Perez.
5. Playboy: The Mansion
You know that lame-ass joke where people say they read Playboy for the articles, apparently you play Playboy: The Mansion to micromanage the life of a decrepit old dude. This "business simulation game" allows gamers to live the life of magazine editor Hugh Hefner, which means doing fun stuff like hiring photographers to shoot the girls, commissioning articles from celebrities, and handling all sort of other mundane minutiae. Just imagining all the bros who bought this game expecting to see some 16-bit T&A is hilarious.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.