The Bitch

Game Theory

"When he asked other actresses to do certain things in the film, like walk like a runway model down the street, some said they couldn't or wouldn't do it. öImagine, I am the director and they're telling me what they won't do! I was like fuck shit get out of my face, you're not an actress, you're a fucking whore. Go to a strip club where you belong. Florida is fucked, that's why we're not taken serious. If you were in New York you would get thousands of people willing to go out in the swamps and get raped in the rain at three fucking thirty in the morning. Fuck all you candy asses who say you are actors. Fuck you all. I shave off my head, put on 25 pounds and this bitch is telling me she won't walk down the street sexy without music."

Cantankerously driven? Perhaps. But Yeager insists that, just as Lloyd seeks the perfect song, he (Yeager) only wanted to make "the perfect film." "Fuck all these cheesy fuck butts who make this South Beach tits on rollerblades crap," Yeager submits.

A Waiter in the White House?

Nadin Ospina is obsessed with endangered South American tapirs, and devotes his art to them
Jonathan Postal
Nadin Ospina is obsessed with endangered South American tapirs, and devotes his art to them
Mike Nuckols reflects on his Scott Stapp experience at the Mandarin Oriental
Lyssa Oberkreser
Mike Nuckols reflects on his Scott Stapp experience at the Mandarin Oriental

Frank Gonzalez is running for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives the hard -- and hard liquor -- way. The quixotic Libertarian Party candidate seems bent on personally meeting every single resident of Miami's District 21, and engaging them in one-on-one debates about why he should beat incumbent Lincoln Diaz-Balart (who has no opponent other than Gonzalez).

Gonzalez qualified for the ballot by collecting more than 3000 signatures, and the sometime waiter and former airline employee is now spending his evenings trying to woo South Florida's boozy nightclub denizens. Last week he showed up at Churchill's, arguing about the Constitution with drunk punks, and even taking the stage. His appeal to the audience, met with smatterings of applause and a few indecipherable bellows, was sandwiched between the Heatseekers and AC Cobra. "Everywhere there's Democrats, I'm there," Gonzalez says. "There's no Democrat opposing Diaz-Balart, so I'm like the surrogate."

The night after his Churchill's debut, Gonzalez put in an appearance at Coconut Grove's Oxygen. "It was gay night, and people were so friendly to me it was crazy. I'm not gay," assures the former flight attendant.

Gonzalez, despite having raised only about $6000, likes his chances of triumphing over the Diaz-Balart political machine. "First of all, I need to debunk the myth that this guy is unbeatable. I mean, all of the statistics are favorable for me."

Campaign contributions can be made via PayPal on www.electfrank.org, or in the form of extra-large tips at the Coconut Grove Chart House, where Gonzalez waits tables.

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