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Merry Christmas, everyone!
As families around South Florida gather to celebrate the arrival of Old St. Nick, New Times has received an exclusive copy of Santa’s 2023 Miami sports naughty-or-nice list.
That’s right – our sources within the North Pole leaked a record of which Miami sports personalities are receiving an item from their wish list or a big bag of coal. Who was naughty, and who was nice this year? We’ve got the list.
Dolphins cheerleaders bring some holiday cheer.
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Naughty List
These Miami sports personalities spent 2023 making enemies, acting out, and ensuring they’d receive no invites to Christmas dinner.
Dewayne Dedmon
The Miami Heat’s seldom used center from last season, Dewayne Dedmon, was traded to the San Antonio Spurs after an on-the-court episode in which he was upset after getting subbed out in the second quarter, argued with Heat players and coaches, then swatted at one of the massage guns behind the bench – what the hell?
If you’re struggling to remember recent incidents like this from other Miami Heat players, it’s because they never happen. We hope Dedmon is having a fantastic time playing for the Ontario Clippers of the NBA G League this season.
Bruce Sherman
The Miami Marlins continue to go out of their way to prove they don’t get it, even when they may be getting it right. Following a successful season, the Marlins immediately announced they would be parting ways with General Manager Kim Ng. The team’s public statements about her departure gave little detail, but reports surfaced that she didn’t want a boss above her, which is what the Marlins had in mind.
The Marlins and owner Bruce Sherman have since hired Peter Bendix to run their baseball operations department, poaching him from the Tampa Bay Rays to replicate the consistent success that franchise has had by paying nothing for something – a formula the Marlins have historically only figured out half of. We’ll let you guess which half. The end result of the end-of-season front office drama may have been solid, but the process was a mess, even by Marlins standards.
On the bright side, fans now look forward to Year 25 of a new five-year plan that certainly doesn’t include spending any money on payroll! Merry Christmas?
Head coach Mario Cristobal of the Miami Hurricanes reacts during the first half of a game against the Florida State Seminoles at Doak Campbell Stadium on November 11, 2023.
Photo by James Gilbert/Getty Images
Mario Cristobal
Where do we begin with Mario Cristobal’s 2023 season, filled with ineptitude and mishandling? There are so many choices, only so many words to describe them. We’ll highlight his decision against Georgia Tech, which directly led to a loss so avoidable it induced a synchronized wave of gasps, face-palming, and head-scratching among UM fans.
Instead of kneeling in the game’s final seconds against the Yellow Jackets, Cristobal let Hurricanes running back Don Chaney run and fumble the ball. Georgia Tech took over with 26 seconds left, and quarterback Haynes King needed only a few plays to help the Yellow Jackets score a touchdown and win the game.
It was a brutal loss, among many brutal losses, pinned on Cristobal. But hey – let’s get excited about another recruiting class he can turn into 2025 transfer portal defections!
Nice List
Shoutout to the Miami sports personalities who have made the 2023 nice list! Your overall goodwill and performance have ensured Santa will bring you exactly what you wished for all year – being featured in a Christmas Day New Times article.
The Miami Dolphins have made the playoffs in their two seasons since Mike McDaniel took over as head coach.
Mike McDaniel
The Dolphins’ head coach was nice last year, but in 2023, he’s made practically the entire sports world fall in love with his personality, style of coaching, and best of all, his method of getting the most out of players, most notably Tua Tagovailoa.
McDaniel has made us proud to be Dolphins fans again.
No longer the butt of every joke, Miami is the team to watch in the NFL rather than a piss-poor franchise that supporters felt the need to apologize for when they played on national television.
With a game-winning field goal to run out the clock against the Dallas Cowboys on Christmas Eve, the Dolphins clinched a playoff spot and released some pressure from a tough schedule for their final games to round out the season.
Jaime Jaquez
After all that off-season drama and trade machine manipulation, the Heat did well in ensuring their first-round pick, Jamie Jaquez, stayed in Miami for his rookie season. With injuries and the risk of bland play becoming the Heat’s regular season norm, Jaquez has been a savior in the first half, who’s kept the team not only above .500 but worth watching.
Jaquez has been a nice addition to the Miami Heat’s rotation and the #HeatCulture legacy. You can already tell he’s a long-term keeper.
Inter Miami teammates hoist Lionel Messi following their win in the Leagues Cup final on August 19, 2023.
Photo by Kevin Cox/Getty Images
Lionel Messi
When the best soccer player of all time chooses to play for a team in your city before he’s washed up, he gets whatever he wants on Christmas. Those are the rules. If Messi wants Joe’s Stone Crab to move next to his home and serve from there, we’d do it for him. If he wants to rename every Taco Bell in South Florida after his children, the signs will change before New Year’s Eve fireworks go off.
The velvet rope VIP lounge of Santa’s nice list has no limitations regarding the GOAT. Miami needed a jolt of world-class sports energy this year, and Messi brought it.
