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And thus we reach the end of our nine-week journey with night one of the Dancing With the Stars finale. Who do we want to win? Um….. In a way Ricki Lake has already won with the recent news that she will start a new daytime show.
Rob Kardashian unquestionably has the most to gain with a DWTS victory, but we can’t imagine what he’s going to do if he wins. Continue popping up on his sisters’ shows? J.R Martinez came from a humble start and probably won’t become awful if he wins so everyone cheer for him!
Ricki Lake and Derek start with a Cha-Cha-Cha to Chris
Brown’s “Yeah x3”. Personally, there’s a part of us that hopes Ricki and Derek
win just so he can afford shirts that can button up because Jesus dude, you can
bare your chest or wear a shirt but you can’t have it all. They get a 27!
That’s almost perfect, but will it be perfect enough?
For their freestyle Ricki and Derek dance to Ricki-Lee
Coulter’s “Can’t Touch It”. First, we get a training montage of Derek bragging
that the best way to get Ricki to perform is to treat her poorly and yell at
her. Now that may seem like an insensitive way to act to an abuse victim but to be fair to Derek, he is trying to win a TV contest, so all bets are off! The freestyle starts with
Ricki busting out of a larger Ricki Lake poster, which is precisely how her
talk show should start for the six months it’s on the air until Anderson
totally decimates it in the ratings. Another 27!
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl boldly choose to Waltz to Dana
Glover’s “It Is You (I Have Loved)”. Can we talk about how ridiculous the crowd
acts during the judges’ criticism? Whenever Len, Bruno or Carrie Ann have
anything negative to say, constructive or otherwise, the crowd shouts them down
as though they just suggested that the national pastime be changed to dog
fighting. You’re at a TV taping in Burbank guys, not an Occupy rally. Rob and
Cheryl get a 27!
For their freestyle, Rob and Cheryl dance to Big Bad Voodoo
Daddy’s “Minnie The Moocher”. You know, Rob Kardashian is sort of like a modern
day Pinocchio. That makes a DWTS victory would be the impetus to change from a wooden
block to a Real Boy. Which would make Bruce Jenner Geppetto? Ok, it’s not a
perfect analogy, but it is a perfect dance, getting 30 points from the judges!
J.R. Martinez and Karina are up to the plate. Tom
is quick to point out that both Derek and Cheryl have won DWTS on multiple occasions
while Karina has never won, we guess to inspire sympathy from viewers excited
for Karina to finally win ‘the big one’. But honestly, if you are that
emotionally involved in the win-loss ratio of dancers on a reality show maybe
you need to look in the mirror and take a nice long assessment of your life
choices. J.R. and Karina’s first
dance, a Cha-Cha-Cha to Jennifer Lopez’s “Let’s Get Loud” isn’t great, only
scoring a 24, which might be OK when scrubs like Chynna Phillips are still in
the running but this is the finals!
Thankfully, J.R.
and Karina kill it in their freestyle to Kat DeLuna’s “Whine Up”. Bruno
describes J.R.’s dancing as ‘animal’ and ‘tribal’ which seems a little racist on Bruno’s part. What other antiquated terms
are you going to use to describe a person of color, Bruno? Nevertheless, the
judges give them the perfect 30. Go J.R. and Karina!
So at the end of the first night J.R. and Ricki are both
tied with 54 points but Rob and Cheryl have the lead with 57 points. Yup, Rob
Kardashian is now the front runner to win DWTS. But he still has to survive
tonight, where there will be even more dancing to determine the champion! We’ll
have the whole rundown tomorrow. Until then, cross your fingers for a Chaz Bono
cameo!
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