Will We Soon Be Permitted to Masturbate in Movie Theaters Too?

So the new Paragon movie theater that's due to open in Coconut Grove this June will permit patrons to bring cocktails. Great. We already have a situation where going to the theater entails having to sit among food-obsessed Americans noisily stuffing their bloated faces with popcorn because of an utter inability to go two hours without noshing. Now we'll have to put up with folks slurping booze. Gee, nothing says good time at the movies like somebody throwing up midfilm from too many cosmos. Well, at least we won't be getting charged $13 to $15 per film to put up with this crap.

Say what?

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Miami New Times' restaurant reviewer for the past decade, and the world's indisputable master of disguise.
Contact: Lee Klein