Miami is filled with a bunch of sluts.
Everywhere you turn, there's a slutty gal strutting up and down the street making the ladies in red proud. Nipples and the general boob area make more appearances on South Beach than beer in Milwaukee.
Bare ass cheeks and midriffs are just about as common here as they were the day you were born.
But let's be honest: Partial nudity is what makes Miami so great. In the spirit of Halloween, we've found a handful of slutty food costumes that could use some major Miami tweaks. Instead of a sexy hamburger costume, for example, we'd prefer to see a sexy Cuban sandwich dress.
Here are some others.
Miami may not be considered the South, but we still are in the south. Cherry pie is nice and all (we're especially fond of the cross action going on in the boob area), but let's be real. Who here eats cherry pie?
The Miami alternative: A guava and queso pastelito dress. Tight, flaky, gooey, and creamy.
This one is a little better in terms of general Miami-ness. Because it's practically summer year-round here, watermelon is a natural go-to for locals. Sure, the juicy fruits aren't all grown locally, but it's the thought that counts.
The Miami alternative: Slutty sandia mojito dress. White rum, a few leaves for mint, a splash of red for sandia, and lime.
This ear of corn costume looks more like a Kernal-Woman superhero outfit -- armored to save the world, one corn stalk at a time. The idea is awesome but better suited for the Midwest, where people instinctively think of corn fields (we know, corn is grown locally here too, but hear us out).
The Miami alternative: Grilled elote dress. Juice some lime, slather on a little crema, and sprinkle some chili powder.
Bananas are perhaps the perfect food. They're nutritious, perfectly sweet, and equally delicious. They remind us of Carmen Miranda, who somehow reminds us of Celia Cruz. Anyway, the point is that a banana is a step in the right direction for a potential slutty Miami costume. But we thought of something better.
The Miami alternative: Sexy maduro dress. We know. Sexy and maduro should always belong in the same sentence together. And that's because maduros are one sexy side dish. They're plump, round, and (when done right) perfectly toasty.
The Double Gum twins are a particular favorite of ours. But if we had it our way, we'd amplify this duo's costume and make it a group costume.
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The Miami alternative: Get a bunch of your girls together and be all the colors in a box of Chiclets.
If you use any of the above ideas this year, please let us know so we can praise you on this blog. Send photos to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.