Columns

In Honor of PETA Porn, the Five Sexiest Fruits and Vegetables

PETA -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals -- obviously doesn't care about the ethical treatment of human eyeballs because they've decided to mix images of animal torture with porn. Yes, porn.

Taking their "I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaign a few gazillion steps further, PETA has signed up to register the domain name "peta.xxx" for an adult site that will also facilitate the plight of fauna.

According to Australia's Herald Sun, "PETA's sexy side displayed in galleries and videos will quickly give way to the sinister world of animal mistreatment uncovered by the group's hidden camera investigations in a very different kind of graphic content."



And completely ignoring the fact that some people might psychologically associate animals with sex after perusing their site (dog lovers, hide the peanut butter), PETA spokeswoman Lindsay Rajt tells HuffPo:

"We really want to grab people's attention, get them talking and to question the status quo and ultimately take action, because the best way we can help the greatest number of animals is simply by not eating them."



Sure, because people really focus on ethics when they're choking the chicken. 


Continues Rajt:

"We live in a 24-hour news cycle world and we learn the racy things we do are sometimes the most effective way that we can reach particular individuals." 


Oh, we're familiar with that concept, so in honor of PETA going porn, here are the five sexiest fruits and vegetables:

Banana

Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to be

reading this post? Let's start with the peel and the act

of peeling, which in a way is kind of like fruit's equivalent of

stripping. Then there's the size and shape -- trumping the plantain and,

thanks to its curvature, more likely to hit the elusive G spot than a

cucumber.

Mango


Think of a lady and take a look at this picture. Do we really need to explain anything?






Coconut


How can a coconut not be arousing? It's one part Ice T's sex-oozing wife:



And one part nut, which any math major can tell you equals sexy.



Squash


Think of a man, perhaps an older man, see explanation for mango, jump to any conclusions you wish.



Asparagus


This veggie isn't just phallic-shaped but is also an aphrodisiac. Nicholas Culpepper,

an English herbalist from the 17th Century, noted that asparagus "stirs

up lust in man and woman." Which makes sense when you find out that

these saucy little sex spears are pumped full of potassium, vitamins A

and C, and lots of firey folic acid that boosts histamine production

which both sexes need to reach orgasm. Just disregard the way it makes

your urine smell -- unless you're into golden showers.

Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.


KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel