Food Blogging For Dummies: We Offer Ten Tips

It was bound to happen. Food Blogging For Dummies by Kelly Senyei is available for pre-order on Amazon. This 320-page book will, no doubt, speak to the 75 remaining people in the world who still do not have a food blog.

If you can't wait for the book to come out (or you're too cheap to shell out the $16.32 that Amazon's asking for it), we've come up with ten handy dandy tips for you.

10. Take Pictures of Your Food
People love to see pictures of delicious food. It's basically porn that you can watch at the office without the fear of a sexual harassment claim. That's why we suggest taking pictures of everything you eat. By the way, we're talking holding a full-blown photo session with your food, not just a quick shot on your iPhone. While you're at it, make sure to take pictures of everyone else's dinner, too. Be sure that no one at table eats before you check every shot for clarity. See that couple having a romantic dinner on the other side of the room? Run over and take a picture of their lobster. They'll be glad you did.

9. Know the Lingo
Even if you didn't go to the CIA (or still think it's a place for spies), learn some culinary jargon and pepper your blogs with words like sous-vide, mise en place, toque, and amuse bouche. Remember, you're a food blogger. You're never under deadline ... you're "in the weeds."

8. Tweet... Everything
God invented Twitter so that everyone in the world can instantly know that the lamb you ordered was overcooked. Tweeting shows you're important -- just ask Ashton Kutcher.

7. Announce That You're A Blogger to Everyone
How do you know there's a food blogger in the restaurant? They tell you. Whenever you walk into a restaurant (be it db Bistro Moderne or McDonald's), let the hostess know that you have a food blog. Ask to tour the kitchen. Chefs love to entertain bloggers, especially during Friday night dinner service. Also act surprised when you get the check, as if you expected that your meal should be comped. And if you do go to a press dinner or the manager does pick up your check -- by all means, do not tip.Your server just contributed to the betterment of mankind by serving you, the food blogger, food. That is thanks enough.

6. Press Releases Make Good Articles
It really doesn't matter what that press release you received in your inbox is about -- if a PR company sent it then it's really, really important. After all, everyone wants to know about the latest flavor of Lean Cuisine frozen entrees.

5. You're Famous So Act Like It
You're a food blogger and that means you're famous and important. Those 237 hits aren't all from grandma. That means you're one step from getting a lucrative Food Network deal. Let your friends know how truly special you are. All the time.

4. Meals Are Work; They're Not Enjoyment
Remember when you went out to dinner just to enjoy a meal with friends? Those days are over, buckaroo. This is now work so instead of just going out on a date, stress over the fact that you can't write about anything on the menu, or that the restaurant serves (horror) -- chicken wings and domestic beer not from microbreweries. Remind everyone at your table that you're on deadline, even though you self-publish on Blogger.

3. Find Your Voice
Anyone can eat at a restaurant and write about it. That's why we suggest you find a niche and stick with that. How about PMS eating (people really want to know about your two AM trips to the fridge for Ben & Jerry's after a crying fit), a blog dedicated to the flavors of Pinnacle vodka (there are so many subtle taste nuances between whipped cream and birthday cake), or a fun 200 ways to cook endangered species recipe blog?

2. Eat Weird Shit and Film It
Look at Andrew Zimmern. That guy got famous for eating eyeballs and bugs. People love to watch other people eat live squid, bats, and other creepy crawlers. If you can get video of you eating a still-alive fish or frogs legs that still move, you've got an instant You Tube viral hit on your hands. The only taboos we can see are eating human babies, kittens, and puppies -- for now.

1. Write Lists
Countdown the best fried fair food, the best places to eat blowfish, or your favorite flavors of almond milk. It doesn't really matter what they're about. People love reading lists. See? You're reading this one right now.

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Laine Doss is the food and spirits editor for Miami New Times. She has been featured on Cooking Channel's Eat Street and Food Network's Great Food Truck Race. She won an Alternative Weekly award for her feature about what it's like to wait tables.
Contact: Laine Doss