Date Plate at the River Oyster Bar

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Whether taken or single, the dinner date can be a perilous affair if not done right. Go to Hooters, and you'll be distracted/upstaged by the lovely boobies on display, the crew at Johnny Rockets will disrupt your dinner with some "Bob-bob-bob-bob-bobburran" bullshit, and Taco Bell - well let's just say that the "runs" is never and will never be considered an enticing addition to the game of foreplay. But, Brickell's River Oyster Bar, on the other hand, is a great place for a first or last date. The lights are pleasantly low, and the dining room chatter is at kept at a light din making it a great place to trade double entendres, oyster-style.

Unless you've been living underneath some sea crag, you probably know that oysters have long been considered an aphrodisiac - for reasons to be disputed in waterfront strip clubs from here to New England. Some say it's the O's high zinc content, others claim it's the slurp factor that is involved in their consumption, and lovers of mythology say that as soon as Aphrodite coasted into their world on an oyster shell, the sea fruit was sea sexy. River Oyster GM Michale Hidalgo says that most patrons "share or order their own platters, it just depends on how many oysters you can get through. But we definitely go through tons of oysters here daily." How many shelled, sex-inducing, little guys make up Hidalgo's "ton"? "On the low end, 40 to 50 thousand. But we've gotten up to one hundred thousand in a day, flown in from all around the world."

On a recent evening at the River Oyster Bar, a young couple was perched at the bar sipping/chugging (her/him) margaritas and deciding on which of the raw creatures to feast on. She claimed to have no clue how to eat them, he professed his pro status - and so the slurp-off began. Since the shelled delicacies are half-price between 4:30 and 7, the two shared a platter of 7 ranging from the uber-meaty Penn Cove, the creamy Deep Bay boys, and the Blue Point which tasted a little metallic but yummy and easy to eat nonetheless. Once the plate arrived, the boy began schooling his galpal on the intricacies of oyster-eatin' with juicy tips like "Do it with a slurp or fork it out," "A couple of chews, then I swallow," and "Just suck that one out." His date was appropriately unimpressed. And eating the shooters like a pro.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.