Audio By Carbonatix
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Arrested: 7/6Charged with: BatteryLook! He’s got baby hair! He’s got hair like a baby! Hey, Mr. Babyhair, why do you breathe so heavy? And how come you get a bald spot if we let you lie on your back for too long?
Arrested: 6/30Charged with: Cocaine possession, possession of a controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia with intent to useWe don’t understand why this guy is in trouble. Of course he’s in possession of controlled substances. Look at him. HE’S A DOCTOR.
Arrested: 7/4Charged with: BatteryThis is what happens when you try to fit too much cool in one measly human body — it pops out the top. And out the front tooth.
Arrested: 6/30Charged with: Criminal mischief of $1,000 or more, false fire alarm, breach of the peaceThis guy is the reason no one is impressed when you tell them you went to college.
Arrested: 6/30Charged with: Cocaine possession, cocaine possession with intent to sell, manufacture or deliverThe only crack dealer in town who will will throw in a blueberry muffin for free.
Arrested: 7/6Charged with: BatteryDON’T MOVE! There is a monster spider on your head, dude. Yeah. Like, whoa. I’ll go get a shoe. Just… keep still.
Arrested: 7/6Charged with: Battery of a police officer, firefighter, or intake officer; resisting officer with violence to his person; corruption by threat of a public servant; disorderly intoxication; reckless drivingThis is amazing. The charges suggest this guy got drunk, drove like a maniac, beat up a cop, and then threatened his family. And then he had the nerve to slap on his best “What’d I do?” face and tell the mugshot guy to be sure to get his good side.
Arrested: 7/3Charged with: Strong-arm robberyJustin Bieber, behold your future and tremble: 58 years old, robbin’ people at 5 a.m. on a Sunday, naked under your fleece jacket. Sleep tight, little fella. See you in a few years.
