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Between the Family Circle–Peanuts rivalry turning deadly, an uninspired fish death, and beatings over diminutive wangs and unbummed butts, Miami was really off its meds this week. The winners:
5. Desiree Shayla Wilson, sought for killing Charlie Brown in a drive-by.
Seriously. That’s way worse than that thing Lucy used to do with the football.
4. Another nurse shark found dead in the streets of Miami.
The first time a moribund nurse shark was found on the Metromover after being abandoned by crackheads trying to sell it was funny. The story was forwarded around the nation. That shark was a real winner. But you’re just… derivative.
3. Homeless dude Sosthene Louis, who allegedly killed a clubgoer by bashing him on the head for not giving him a cigarette.
If the homeless community could just do something about its nutso head-bashing contingent, it could really improve its image.
2. Small-penised Miami airport screener Rolando Negrin, who attacked a fellow screener who mocked his small penis after it was exposed on a full-body scanner. P.S. Small penis
Our point here is that Negrin, obviously touchy about his manhood, only made his George Costanza-esque shrinkage nationally famous. See, kids: Rage doesn’t pay.
1. Martiniano Perez Jr., who opened his door for a cop canvassing an apartment building looking for a burglary suspect.
The officer discovered Perez had a giant marijuana grow operation in his apartment — and $850,000 cash. Dude, it’s called hiding in a bedroom until the guy goes away. We do it to Mormon missionaries and census-takers all the time.
