Matchmaking With Mugshots, a Nervous Chuckle, and a Beard-Off

​Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.

Arrested: 12/10

Charged with: Possession of cannabis with intent to sell, trespassing after warning, battery, possession of cocaine with intent to sell (within 1,000 feet of a church or convenience store), resisting officer with violence

Now that is a fucking jacket.

Arrested: 12/11

Charged with: Grand theft auto, knowingly driving with license suspended (second offense)

What a Miami gangstette. A “305” tattoo framed by brass knuckles. One problem: Who would date a woman with weapons inked on her chest?

Arrested: 12/11

Charged with: Disorderly conduct

Bam. We are the Match.com of accused criminals.

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Felony battery

Damnit, 1970s dad, what’dja do now?

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, petty retail theft

Ever notice how criminal lifers start turning into babies? They have only half their teeth. They use feces as a weapon. And they spend the majority behind bars. (Psst, in the baby’s case, we’re talking about the crib.)

Arrested: 12/9

Charged with: Cocaine possession

We’re not saying this guy is guilty. But he is in the midst of a nervous chuckle.

Arrested: 12/10

Charged with: Disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest with violence

Is the world ready for a gangsta rappin’ grandma? We nominate this lady. She looks crunk.

Arrested: 12/14

Charged with: Battery

“I’ve noticed that one guy with spectacular beard-to-hair ratio is featured on each Mugshots Friday. Clearly, I am this week’s champion.”

Arrested: 12/7

Charged with: Dealing in stolen property

[Huge explosion sound effect]

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