Five Players Who Drove Miami Dolphins Fans to Drinking This Season

It’s award season, so we here at New Times decided now was as good as any time to acknowledge the performances of a select few Miami Dolphins this past year. To be clear: This probably isn’t the sort of award Jada Pinkett Smith would be angry about her husband missing out on. Depending upon how you look at it, this is not the most positive accolade one could ever achieve in his career. 

These are the Miami Dolphins players who most drove their fans to drinking this season. Chin up, “winners” — Rob Gronkowski would be thrilled to hear he had this sort of impact on the community. 

Dallas Thomas, Offensive Guard
Chug-chug-chug. Toward the end of last season, Pro Football Focus had Dallas Thomas ranked as the worst guard in the NFL, number 83 of 83. The funny thing about that ranking is there are only 32 NFL teams, so Thomas is actually worse than 20 or so guards other teams across the NFL have decided shouldn’t even see the field. That’s not great! Thomas has a profound impact on our game-day drinking habits because his poor play directly affected quarterback Ryan Tannehill, which is bad. It’s actually important that Tannehill not be exposed to numerous car-crash-like impacts every single Sunday. 

Jamar Taylor, Cornerback
Ohhhh, it burns so good. Really. Jamar Taylor consistently got so very burned this season. Jamar Taylor, a former second-round pick, was so bad, in fact, the Dolphins decided to inactivate him and replace him with a cornerback who was a wide receiver in college. Fun fact: Close your eyes and think about all the great plays Taylor has made in his first two seasons with the Dolphins — that’s actually how they train people to empty their minds when trying to meditate. It’s one thing to be bad, but it’s an entirely different thing to watch Taylor back off the line and let the opponent’s wide receiver run a route that barely includes seeing Taylor on your TV screen. 

Billy Turner, Offensive Guard 
Mike Pouncey didn’t die for this. After the Fins’ All-Pro center was injured late last season, Billy Turner was asked to slide from guard to center — and it did not go well. The past couple of games that featured Turner snapping the ball had Tannehill looking like he was trying to catch and throw slimy fish in a Seattle seafood market. Turner is still a young player with a lot of promise — but you had one job, Billy. The Dolphins were a safety waiting to happen with Turner under center, and that had fans chugging Fireball to numb the pain. 

Greg Jennings, Wide Receiver 
After Joe Philbin was fired, Greg Jennings basically became Milton from Office Space. He would just sit at his desk because nobody ever told him to leave. No one was quite sure what his job here was, but he kept showing up. Jennings had all of 19 catches for 208 yards and one score in 2015. I know what you’re thinking: It seemed like so much less than that. In retrospect, his five-catch, 74-yard game in the season finale against the Patriots looks like a 300-yard-Randy-Moss-in-his-prime explosion. 

Lamar Miller, Running Back 
At first glance, this might seem like a surprise entry, but when you think about it, it makes complete sense. Miller, by no fault of his own, was one of the most frustrating players on the Miami Dolphins last season. During many games, he would start off on fire. Then, after halftime, number 26 barely appeared. Coaches — lots of coaches — refused to revolve a failing offense around their most proven playmaker. It was maddening. It drove Dolphins fans up a wall. And we still have no clear explanation for it.