The Florida Primary on January 29 is fast approaching. Today we continue our series examining Jesus' thoughts on the candidates, with evaluations of two fringe presidential hopefuls, Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul.
Remember in the patented Crucifix Rating System (CRS)®, a maximum five crosses equals a strenuous holy endorsement.
Dennis Kucinich: What in hell is this guy? Some kind of twisted elf? Jesus thinks he’s crazy. A Department of Peace? Jesus would never go for something like that.
CRS Result: 1/2 Cross
Ron Paul: Jesus would never vote for this guy. But He would totally hang out and get drunk with him. He’s crazy in a fun-uncle kind of way. Maybe they’ll get together sometime soon and start working on putting up that giant fence to keep all the Mexicans out. Jesus hates Mexicans.
CRS Result: Two Crosses
With John McCain and John Edwards each getting one cross in Jesus' first set of evaluations, and Kucinich receiving the lowest score yet with just one-half of a full cross, that makes Ron Paul the most favored candidate so far. Stay tuned to Riptide for the rest of Jesus' thoughts on the candidates, culminating in his selection for president which will be announced Tuesday, January 29 the morning of the Florida Primary. Tomorrow, the Carpenter takes a look at Mitt Romney. -- Calvin Godfrey and Tovin Lapan
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.