So last week, the Marlins canned manager Fredi Gonzalez for no clear reason, sort of like how they canned Joe Girardi for absolutely no good reason, and now they're on a search for a new skipper.
Former Mets manager Bobby Valentine was reportedly a candidate, but word on the
street Internet is that he's no longer in the running. So now the only certain candidates for the gig are the organization's Triple-A manager and interim manager, Edwin Rodriguez, and Arizona Diamondbacks third-base coach Bo Porter. Because given owner Jeffrey Loria's itchy termination finger, you pretty much have to be a minor-league skipper or a third-base coach to want this job.
Or one of these guys. Behold, Riptide's shortlist for the least-desired six-figure job in cleats and a beer belly:
5. King of Diamonds "Stripper Wrangler" Disco Rick
favorite scholar of all things boob-a-licious is a master at managing
catty divas who are regularly showered with money. But can he handle
4. BP CEO Tony Hayward
Job duties: Contend for a playoffs with one of the league's tiniest payrolls, breed excitement in an apathetic fan base, and dodge the wrath of a tyrannical boss. The most hated executive this side of Ken Lay might be the only person on the planet who would consider the Marlins' managing job to be a step toward the less stressful.
3."Cocaine Cowboy" Jon Roberts
Smuggling $2 billion worth of coke into Miami takes hella organizational skills, and working with the crazy Colombians like he did without becoming coca mulch means the guy respects the chain of command. "I hope you get hit by a truck, you little scumbag," as Roberts told New Times last year, just sounds like a good thing to scream in an umpire's face, and he's already got the mustache for the job.
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2. Michelle Spence-Jones
Because what else does the Marlins' skipper job require besides a very creative approach to mining limited resources? If she can (allegedly) siphon $50,000 from Miami's bone-dry coffers, maybe she can find a respectable set-up man in the Marlins' pile of lowly league-minimum-earning relievers.
1. Raúl Castro
We figure he's got a lot of time on his hands now that Fidel has entered a zombie state and retaken Cuba's top seat for the next century. And even if the Marlins continue to define mediocrity under Raúl, his propaganda crew can issue press releases announcing the team just played the 1927 Yankees in an interspatial World Series and won, but the sports media oligarchy doesn't want you to know about it, and that Emilio Bonifacio shattered a fibula, but don't worry because magical Cuban medicine will have him back on the field in 24 hours.