In this week's feature, a 69-year-old Holocaust survivor accuses Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez of ruining their Miami Beach neighborhood by turning his mansion into a de facto movie studio.
But the All Star slugger is not simply a celebrity succubus sapping the neighborhood of its beauty in order to turn a tidy real estate profit. He is also a victim.
This summer, thieves stole three outboard motors worth at least $30,000 from Rodriguez's North Bay Road mansion. Friends, Miamians, countrymen, lend A-Rod your tears.
While reporting on A-Rod's penchant for permitting film crews shoot Victoria's Secret commercials and X-Factor episodes at his bay-front bachelor bad, we requested police reports for his home at 4358 North Bay Road.
Despite being salaciously (and misleadingly) filed under "Miscellaneous/Murder-Manslaughter," most of the records were pretty boring.
Apparently, A-Rod's $24 million mansion doors don't work so well. Since construction was completed a year ago, Miami Beach police have responded to half a dozen false alarms at the house caused by the wind knocking open the doors.
On at least one occasion, officers scrambled over A-Rod's front gate to investigate. Another time, they showed up with a police dog only for the property caretaker to request they leave the drug-sniffing K-9 outside.
But on July 27, cops arrived to discover that a crime really had taken place. Thieves had stripped Rodriguez's green-hulled speedboat of its three Mercury Verado engines worth around $30,000.
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Security cameras at the A-Rod estate captured footage of the Biscayne Bay pirates in action. But Miami Beach Police say crime was never solved.
Not that A-Rod is really out that much money. Last season he made $62,635 per
A-Rod did not return our requests for comment (we're all ears, Alex).