Ah, the Super Bowl. The one non-international soccer match sporting event that Miamians will watch en masse even though a Miami team isn't actually playing.
The only problem for many of us is figuring out which team to root for. Sure, in some cases the choice has been obvious. Take last year, for
Plus, in the five previous Super Bowls where we've done this, the team we've picked ended up winning the game in all but one of the years. Bet accordingly!
Former Hurricanes Players (5 points each)
Here's the bad news: There's only one former Miami Hurricane in the Super Bowl this year: Carolina Panther tight end Greg Olsen. Here's the good news: His participation helps Miami keep the record as the school that has produced the most Super Bowl participants ever by a margin of exactly one player over USC. Olsen is also famous for being a member of the 7th Floor Crew, a group of UM players who made an extremely lewd sex rap — a delightful story that came up yet again during this year's media day.
Panthers +5; Broncos +0
Miami High School Players (4 points each)
Denver Broncos cornerback Kayvon Webster is the only actual Miami native in this damn game this year. He's a graduate of Monsignor Edward Pace High School.
Panthers +0; Broncos +4
Cultural Affinity (10 points)
This is a tough one. Neither Charlotte nor Denver
Panthers +0; Broncos +10
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Which Team's Win Will Make the Dolphins Look Better? (10 points)
The Dolphins played the Panthers in the preseason and only lost by one point, but that means next to nothing. So this year, we're going to have to award no points in this category. Besides, after this season, there's not much that would make the Dolphins look good.
Panthers +0; Broncos +0
Which Team Will Win? (5 Points)
Miami loves a winner. So we might as well root for the team that's favored, and according to Vegas this year that's the Panthers.
Panthers +5; Broncos +0
Final Score: Panthers 10; Broncos 14.
So, while it seems that the loser this year is our proprietary formula for failing to be of much actual relevance, the Broncos have come out the winner (oddly, the only year this formula didn't pick the actual winner, we also chose the Broncos).
But basically the Broncos get our pick on the back of legalized weed and the 7th Floor Crew, and what Miamian is going to argue with supporting a team for those two reasons?