What To Get Marco Rubio For His 44th Birthday

Marco Rubio, the Republican "boy" wonder, is 44 years old today! The presidential candidate will spend the day in Las Vegas, his other childhood home. (The Rubio family lived there between 1979 and 1985 before returning to Miami.) He'll celebrate later at a birthday party-slash-fundraiser hosted at the home of Rick Harrison, the star of reality TV program Pawn Stars. (Yes, really.) Which means, phew, you still have time to get him a present before he returns to Miami, but what do you get for the man whose biggest birthday wish — to be president — is out of your price range? We have some suggestion. 

Foam party-resistant black shoes 
According to his book An American Son, a big turning point in Marco Rubio's life was when he went to a foam party on South Beach and realized the sin-filled ways of his lifestyle when his shoes turned white
"As I contemplated my predicament, I looked down at my shoes. They were perfectly white. They had been black when I arrived. ... Maybe because I took it as a sign the life I was leading was phony and unsustainable or just that I had suddenly found myself wearing white shoes, a South Beach fashion faux pas, I left the club and found the nearest pay phone."
But maybe he just buys cheap shoes. Get him some nice ones. Something sturdy and presidential. 

Bottled Water

He loves it! Can't get enough! 

A Comprehensive Immigration Reform Plan That Pleases Both White Republicans and Hispanic Swing Voters 
Seriously, the guy really, really needs one right about now. So if anyone has one just lying around, put a bow on it and send it over to his office. 

The Complete Works of Nicki Minaj 
Rubio is on record as being a big fan of Nicki Minaj, but has he found the time to keep up with her career as he's been busy in Washington? Probably not. I mean, sure he probably has "Itty Biggy Piggy" on his iPod, but does he have her complete pre-fame mixtapes? Does he have an exhaustive collection of her guest verses? Everyone knows her best work is on other people's tracks. Help a Barbie out. 

A Sword! One time Jeb Bush gave him a sword, and he seemed to like that a lot! 

An Invitation to Your Gay Wedding
He'd go, even if he thinks it will lead to the ultimate downfall of Christianity in modern society

Any Campaign-ending Dirt on Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, or the Thousands of Other Republicans Also Running for President 
Seriously, it's a crowded field, and thinning it out would be a real solid for ol' Marco. 

You Could Buy the Home He Owns With Allegedly Corrupt Ex-Congressman David Rivera 
Seriously, the less connections he has to that guy the better. It is on sale

A Ride on Your Private Yacht (If You're Norman Braman)
Marco's biggest political sugar daddy is local billionaire Norman Braman, but when the New York Times asked Braman to clarify how close the friendship was, Braman said, "I also have a yacht that Senator Rubio has never seen." Come on Normie, take Marco out on your yacht! It's his birthday! 
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Kyle Munzenrieder