It's totally unrealistic to expect this weekend's Exxxotica Expo to unspool like some kind of real-life porn movie. Or is it? Indeed, the Miami Beach Convention Center will be packed with approximately 115 people who make their living by putting their privates to very graphic use on an almost daily basis. And we the mooks shall be there, too. So, let's just pray for a little divine intervention and maybe that expectant buzz in the air will actually give birth to fits of excruciatingly bad dialogue, illogical narrative leaps, and random sex in the poorly lit corners of the convention center's Hall A.
In the meantime, here's a quick and dirty list of the New Times' five favorite porn stars scheduled to show up for Exxxotica Miami Beach.
5. Pinky
Pinky's called Pinky 'cause of her trademark hot pink hair -- not to mention other more intimate parts of her anatomy. When she first popped up in our porn browser a couple years ago, she was a trim little thing with teeny boobies and a big fat butt. But over the years, Pinky's taken on some extra thickness. Most fans are happy about it, though. There's just more to love. However, we've noticed something weird: The bigger Pinky's beautiful butt's gotten, the longer her trademark hair's gotten. We find this link kinda curious.
4. Rubberdoll
On her Twitter page, Rubberdoll demurely describes heself as a "fetish model and performer with a thing for tight and shiny latex." Well, that's a massive understatement. Ruberdoll's not only every 13-year-old boy's raven-haired, cartoonishly proportioned, and plastic-wrapped wet dream. She's also made music like "Invade My Body" with Exzakt and she's starred alongside awesome peeps like Otto Von Schirach and Notorious Nastie in the movie Death Print by local trash auteur Aidan Dillard. The verdict: Ruberdoll's both hot and creative. Plus, she's got the ability to make an adult onesie look really good. That's a highly uncommon kind of talent.
3. Nina Hartley
Ms. Nina Hartley made her name back in the '80s when porn was sold on videotapes in packaging that looked like a cereal box. She grew up in a household of six with Buddhist parents in hippie-dippie San Fran. Then in 1982, Hartley started stripping at the infamous Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater while still attending nursing school at San Francisco State University. Soon she made her sex movie debut in 1984's Educating Nina and almost instantly Hartley's ass made her famous. Despite jiggling like it was made of Jello, her butt was a mind-bogglingly tight package. Over the last 25 years, Hartley and her bottom have starred in 400-plus feature-length adult films. She's also a registered nurse, feminist, and sex educator.
2. Joanna Angel
We here at the New Times have never met Joanna Angel in person. But, according to Wikipedia, she is very petite. Apparently, Angel stands a mere 4' 11' with a listed weight of 96 pounds and measurements of 34C-24-34. (On a side note, did you know she's Jewish?) Her actual physical proportions are sorta surprising since she's the hugest, most tattoo-iest emo porn queen on the scene. Given her status as the founder, brains, and body behind the Burning Angel alt-porn empire, you'd expect her to be taller. It gives us the same incredulous feeling that we'd get if we suddenly discovered that Ted Turner was a midget.
1. Ron Jeremy
John Holmes is the only porn star in history who's more famous than Ron "The Hedgehog" Jeremy. The reason: Holmes' penis was 12-plus inches long while Jeremy's is only 9.75 inches long. However, the Hedgehog is a funnier and more prolific woodman than Holmes could have ever been, so that makes up for it. Most importantly, though, Jeremy's still alive and sticking his wiener in any willing party he can find. Back in his younger days, the Hedgehog was notorious for being able to suck his own schlong. Today, he's too fat. So he spends a lot of time starring in reality TV shows.
The Exxxotica Expo runs May 14 to 16 at the Miami Beach Convention Center, 1901 Convention Center Dr., Miami Beach. The expo is open 4 till 11 p.m. on Friday, 1 till 11 p.m. on Saturday, and noon till 7 p.m. on Sunday. One-day tickets and weekend passes cost $35 to $150. Call 215-462-8800 or visit exxxoticamiami.com.
