To the Amazement of Absolutely Nobody, Dolphins Fall to 0-2

The Amazing Shitshow! that is your Miami Dolphins fell to the Houston Texans for the sixth straight time, in a 23-13 ass-whoopin' yesterday afternoon. The Dolphins are now 0-2 to start the season, have lost 11 of their last 12 games at home, can't convert a third down for dick, and are the only winless team in the AFC East.

But hey, did you see J.Lo on the Orange Carpet before the game? SHE LOOKED ABSOLUTELY FANTABULOUS!

The rundown:

- The Dolphins are 0-6 lifetime against the Houston Texans. That is what Texans refer to as HORSEFUCKERY.

- We're now on year four of the explosive shit that is known as the Parcells/Ireland/Sparano era. And in four years, there's not much improvement. The Fins can't win at Sun Life (home games might be blacked out? Shocking!), the offense plays football like old people fuck, the defense is shit, then good, then shit again, and all we do is kick field goals. And even that is now broken.

It's time for Sparano and his whore-hatin' ginger pal to go. Who's out there to replace them, you ask? We can probably literally hire a guy from Trinidad who has never seen an NFL game to run this shit and it'll be a thousand percent better.

"M' couseen is gon' play wide receivah now. I don' know if 'e cahn catch de oblong pig-skeen ball yer play wit. But 'e can run like da weend! Fins op, bredren!"

- Dan Carpenter missed two field goal attempts of 22 yards and 34 yards. Having him kick a shitload of field goals last season has ruined his foot.

- Linebacker Karlos Dansby left the game in the first half after suffering a groin injury. Coincidentally, it's the same injury this fan base has suffered for the past decade.

- With 8:59 remaining, on third and five from the Miami 13, Chad Henne scrambled, ran, and dove headfirst, missing the first-down marker by one yard. He also hurt his head. That entire play pretty much epitomizes Chad Henne.

- Atlanta Falcons Matt Ryan threw for 195 yards and four touchdowns last night, leading the Falcons to the win over the Eagles, despite being sacked four times in the game. The lesson here: When you have the first overall pick in the NFL Draft, you take the quarterback, you shitsitkcs! Bill Parcells is a dickhole.

- The Dolphins suck at home, but they'll hit the road for the next three games. This season has a 6-10, no-name, injury-prone defensive tackle chosen with a midround draft pick written all over it!

- Rookie running back Daniel Thomas ran for 107 yards and averaged five yards a carryin his debut. Shockingly, he failed to score a touchdown.

- Jason Taylor got a sack yesterday, giving him 133.5 sacks for his career. Badass.

We close things out with Dolfan Phil.

Episode One: Dolfan Phil Meets Buck Tex

The Dolphins visit the Cleveland Browns next week. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.