The Ten Types of Ghosts That Haunt Miami | Riptide 2.0 | Miami | Miami New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Miami, Florida


The Ten Types of Ghosts That Haunt Miami

Miami is not a normal place, and we really wouldn't expect the ghosts that haunt this town to be your average ghouls either. Let's be honest, this place is certainly crazy enough that we're pretty sure there has to be some paranormal activity going on. So the Riptide Institute for Afterlife...
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Miami is not a normal place, and we really wouldn't expect the ghosts that haunt this town to be your average ghouls either. Let's be honest, this place is certainly crazy enough that we're pretty sure there has to be some paranormal activity going on. 

So the Riptide Institute for Afterlife Activities has scoured the county with our high-tech ghost detective equipment and cataloged the ten types of ghosts that haunt Miami.

1. The Coked Out Ghost
The spirits of all of those who overdosed in South Beach never leave. They're damned to spend eternity roaming the bathrooms of nightclubs forever looking for a fix. Of course, they go undetected, because they only appear before people who are too fucked up to tell the difference between a ghost and a real person (i.e. most people in South Beach club bathrooms). Plus, instead of the traditional "Boooo!" they're more apt to haunt their victims with a rapid cadence of "Boo! I said, Boo! Did I scare you? Hey, listen, is it hot in here or is it just me? Wait, did you look at me funny? Don't look at me funny. What's your problem, pal? I'll fuck you up, bro. Haha, just kidding, but seriously, listen, my guy is out of town, do you think I could get a bump? I'm totally good for it. I'll pay you back next time I haunt you. Promise. This DJ is so fucking good. Lets dance!"

2. The Ghosts of Marlins Stadium
When you build something on sacred ground, you run the risk of being haunted. And, really, the former ground of the Orange Bowl, the site of five Super Bowls, and the home of the perfect 1971 Miami Dolphins, and five national championship Miami Hurricanes teams is about as sacred as it gets in Miami. So maybe Ozzie Guillen wasn't to blame for the Miami Marlins. Maybe it was ghosts wearing green and orange jerseys causing mischief. I mean, really any explanation makes sense after the bizarre failure that was this season.

3. The Miami Driver Ghost
Do you ever hear a car horn, but can't pinpoint exactly which car is honking? Well, it's actually a ghost car. Yes, the driver died while speeding down I-95 and crossing four lanes at a time without a blinker. They'll spend their eternity stuck in Miami traffic. Perhaps a fate worse than hell.

4. The Jewish Grandmother Ghost
Miami has always been where elderly Jews go to retire, even after death. So it only makes sense that sometimes the Jewish grandmother ghost appears late at night to pester you about your love life. "I just want you to find a nice boy," the Jewish grandmother ghost moans. "My friend Sheila haunts this nice man in Aventura. He's a doctor. Well, not a real doctor. A dermatologist, but I hear that's a good way to make a living. You know, I should set you up." The Jewish grandmother ghost may mean well, and yet her haunting may be the scariest of all.

5. The Ghost of Miami Freestyle
This ghost haunts Miami-Dade by playing freestyle classics on it's ghostly boom box. Once infected, the beats will never leave your head and eventually drive you to madness. A typical haunting goes like this:

An eerie noise creeping through the night: "If you can feel what I am feeling ..."
Haunting Victim: "Does anyone hear else hear that?"
Victim's Friend: "Uh, no ..."
Eerie noise: "Then the truth is just believing"
Haunting Victim: "Oh my god, is that 'Diamond Girl'?"
Victim's Friend: "What are you talking about, bro?"
Eerie noise: "You're my ... you're my diamond girl!"
Haunting Victim: "It totally is! Someone call up cocaine ghost, because I totally have to dance right now! I can't help it! The spirit of freestyle compels me!"
6. The Ghost of Good Taste
This ghost is actually the only ghost that is more scared of Miamians than we are of it. The Ghost of Good Taste spends its time haunting the mega-mansions and penthouses of the nouveau riche. It's absolutely horrified by the Britto print you have hanging above your sofa. It moans in terror over that gaudy orange sequined mini-dress you decided to wear to a charity event. It whips itself into a frenzy over your custom-painted purple Bentley, the Swarovski crystal hoodie you bought your chihuahua, and your $10,000 neon green sofa. If you want to try and spot this ghost for yourself, just spend some time around the cast members of The Real Housewives of Miami.

7. The Ghost of Nightlife Promoters Past
This ghost is a nasty trickster. It sends you text messages assuring you that you're totally on the list for tonight, but when you get to the door, the bouncer has no idea who you are. You try and text Nightlife Promoter Ghost to walk you in, but he never responds and you end up having to buy a $250 bottle.

8. The Political Corruption Ghost
Some say the ghost of political corruption was once an upstanding member of the County Commission that got unknowingly set-up to take the fall in a major ethics scandal by his shady co-commissioners. Vowing revenge in the afterlife, the Political Corruption Ghost decided that Miami-Dade would never have an ethical public servant against. This ghost haunts ballots boxes, changing people's votes to ensure that Miamians only vote for the most shady of candidates.

9. The Ghost of Good Manners
This ghost pops up everywhere and temporarily scares its victims to the point they enter a sort of hysteria where they temporarily forget basic human manners. Is this person walking a few steps in front of you into the same building going to hold the door for you? Nope! Boom, he's been attacked by the ghost of good manners! That lady totally didn't just try to cut a ten person line at the CVS did she? Sorry, she's being haunted by the ghost of good manners, she's lost her sense of basic decency. That dude whose laying across three seats on the crowded Metrorail? Yep, he's temporarily paralyzed after a haunting by the ghost of good manners.

10. The Telenovela Ghost
This ghost was once a promising young starlet on a telenovela until her life was cut short during an on-set accident. Now she spends the afterlife haunting Miamians to ensure that there lives are full of so much silly drama that their lives resemble an actual telenovela. Her victims are usually young women who are doomed to constantly get in fights with their friends over the slightest of arguments, scream in public into their cellphones like they actually did want everyone to overhear them, and are prone to switch from screaming to tears at a moment's notice. 

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