Have you ever listened to Tim McGraw... in zero gravity?
The Tea Party -- those jolly maniacs who use this communist, liberal, Rosie O'Donnell-edited rag to line their iguana solariums -- has already conquered 'Merica. Evidence: You recognize the name Todd Palin.
Next stop: the universe.
South Florida Tea Party Inc. is a renegade group even by Tea Party standards. Last year, it sued a Florida lawyer who tried to register the Tea Party as an official political party. In a deposition, South Florida Tea Party Chairman Everett Wilkinson admitted he believed that even members of other Tea Party factions were socialists.
The group operates a website called DontPissOnMeMcCain.com, where they accuse the apparently indiscriminately urinating Arizona Sen. John McCain of being "worse than Obama."
This spring, the South Florida Tea Party launched Tea Party in Space. Among its objectives: Limit government in space. "I think we have a lack of competition and complete government control," Wilkinson tells Riptide, adding he believes that NASA's domination of the universe-exploration racket is "absolutely" socialist.
Tea Party in Space has fired off Freedom of Information requests, hoping to prove NASA's financial mismanagement.
But here's where Riptide pisses off Boss Rosie. Because although the Tea Party's anti-government tilt comes off as a bit unhinged on Planet Earth -- we kind of enjoy roads and streetlights -- commercializing space travel is actually ahead of the curve. Even as NASA retires its shuttle program amid massive layoffs, savvy space tourism outfits -- such as SpaceX and British billionaire Richard Branson's Virgin Galactic -- are on their way to civilianizing intergalactic travel by cutting costs.
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So: Tea Party, fuck yeah?
Of course, before hanging up with Wilkinson, we had to ask the obvious: Any chance we could send Rush Limbaugh to the dark side of the moon... and leave him there?
"We're more than willing to compromise," Wilkinson jabbed back jovially. "We'll send out John Boehner; you send out Nancy Pelosi."