The Real Reason the ‘Canes are Blowing it

Coker, in better times

Everyone wants to blame poor Larry Coker for the University of Miami’s slide from perennial college football powerhouse to mediocrity. The U’s fair-weather fans and the school’s notoriously super-secret and super-influential board of trustees can’t wait to give Cooker the boot once this lost season is done.

After all, the head-coach-who-most-resembles-Elmer-Fudd hasn’t won a national title since 2001, when the Hurricanes were loaded with future NFL super stars, guys with stratospheric-athletic skills like Reggie Wayne, Jonathan Vilma, and Frank Gore.

And since 2002, when Ohio State snapped the Canes’ 29 game winning streak and a shot at a second consecutive championship, Coker has lost 12 games, including an embarrassing 40-3 shellacking by the LSU Tigers in last year’s Peach Bowl.

According to the Coker lynch mob, the man can’t recruit, can’t coach and can’t bring the program back to prominence. But I think the problem is beyond anything Coker, Butch Davis, or even hairspray head himself Jimmy Johnson, can solve.

You see, the U’s decline can be directly attributed to Miami losing ground as one of the most dangerous cities in America. Where once the Magic City reigned as the top place where you most likely would end up getting carjacked or shot in a strip mall liquor store, Miami didn’t even crack the top 25 most dangerous cities, according to Morgan Quitno Press.

For its dangerous cities rankings, Morgan Quitno compiled crime statistics collected by the FBI and determined where 344 major cities rank in terms of safety, or lack thereof. St. Louis and Detroit are number one and two, while Miami ranks an abysmal 327th.

So despite all the national uproar over the fight, the Miami Hurricanes better hope their hometown starts serving up more body bags if the team ever wants to be number one again.

Unless Larry comes up with a different reason to call him Coker the Choker.-Francisco Alvarado