The Miami Dolphins Even Suck at Sucking

Finally, just when it mattered the least, when a win couldn't possibly do anything to change the fortunes of this season, this coaching staff, or this fan base's hopes, the Dolphins FINALLY pulled off a victory.

Somehow, someway, led by one of the marionette puppets from Team America QB Matt Moore, the Dolphins managed to dominate the Kansas City Chiefs in a 31-3 blowout, giving Miami its first win of the season, and effectively nudging them out of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Hollow, meaningless wins! Fuck yea!

The Rundown:

- As a Dolphins fan, you knew the whole Andrew Luck thing wasn't going to be sustainable. You knew winning just enough games to still be monumentally shitty, yet enough to keep us out of the first overall pick, was inevitable. This team has been systematically shitty for so long. Yet this was the year their shittiness needed to be epic. HUGE shit. GARGANTUAN shit. The kind of shit Andy Rooney would leave behind (R.I.P.). But, no. The Dolphins can't even manage that. They have to pull a win out of their ass that neither saves jobs nor betters their situation. Jesus hates you, Dolphin fan. He hates the Bejesus out of you.

- A crapload of good that "lucky" hat did Todd Haley. He's worn the same grungy, unwashed cap this season, citing it as a good luck charm to help his team win. Know what else helps your team win, Todd? Throwing the ball to your best receiver while he's covered by Nolan Fucking Carroll! A goddamn hat that must smell like a homeless man blew shit out of his asshole all over it won't fix that!

- It baffles all logic to watch Matt Moore flop around like a marionette and complete 17-for-23 passes for 244 yards and 3 touchdowns. He's even got the Palm Beach Post making an argument that he should be considered more than just a fill-in player. After one fucking game! Never mind that he threw a gazillion interceptions since coming in for Chad Henne. And Matt Moore is still shocked the fans don't want him.

- That's two straight awesome games from LaMontelle Pussyhammer. For the first seven games of the season Reggie Bush looked sluggish, slow and just very shitty. It was like he was handed a dead dog to run with on every play. Now ALL OF A SUDDEN, he's found his groove.

- Eight catches for 106 yards and a touchdown for Brandon Marshall. All season long we've had to watch him drop passes in the endzone like his hands were suddenly made of vaginas. Meanwhile there was the very real possibility that he would lose his shit on the field and punt a referee's face. Now, when it matters the least, this dipshit is catching balls and scoring touchdowns. Thanks a lot, vagina hands!

- The defense sacked Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel five times. It was an outstanding performance by the Dolphins defense. But it begs the question: Now is when you choose to blitz, you cockfaces? Now? Eight games in when you've gone 0-7 and blown double-digit leads twice in the last two weeks? And make no mistake. As a Dolphins fan, it is fun watching our defense swarm and dominate an opposing offense. But when you remember that it essentially ruined our getting Andrew Luck, the pleasantness doesn't last very long. It's like clicking on some porn and it turns out to be nothing but jizz shots. Just confusion and nakedness and awfulness.

- Yesterday must have been a fantastic day for the Unicorn Rainbows And Sunshine Brigade of Dolphins fans. A win! Oh what rapture! Sure it's completely meaningless, fleeting, and will probably shake us down to the third or fourth overall pick where we can select yet another offensive lineman. But we were totally ballin', bro! FEEENZ OOPP!!!!

- So then, uh... Matt Barkley anyone?

The Dolphins host the equally shitty Washington Redskins next week. Kickoff is at 1 p.m. Meaningless two-game winning streak? Awww yeah!!

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Chris Joseph